Goodbye To Yesterday
by Darjeeling Autumnal
Summary: Regina brings herself to do her fiance, Daniel, a favor. He asked her if his friends' daughter from California, Emma Swan, could stay with them for the time being since university is about to start soon and she hasn't found a place of her own yet. Not very fond of that idea for reasons even unkown to herself Regina agrees and soon realizes she had made a life changing decision.
1. Prologue

**_Disclaimer:_** _I do not own Once Upon a Time. The characters, names etc. belong to their creators._

 _ **A/N:** Dear inhabitants of the World of Fanfiction, I'm very nervous to publish this and am still not sure if I really should. But hey...maybe it is worth a try. We'll see. I'm open for any form of criticism as long as you guys are polite and respectful. If there are a lot of mistakes in it I apologize in advance. Happy reading! _

_-DA_

* * *

 **Prologue**

She had placed the letter carefully on top of the pillow and was now standing at the door, not able to hold back the tears any longer. She had decided against turning the lights on so everything would go unnoticed.

Hopefully.

Surrounded by darkness she tried to calm herself by repeating the same line over and over again in her mind:

This is for the best.

She cried silently, of course. Although nobody was here to witness this moment of weakness. They had all gone out. Like nothing had happened.

This is for the best.

There was this tearing ache buried deep inside her chest which caused her troubles to breath. It was like a heavy stone, weighing down on her windpipe, giving her a feeling of suffocation.

It wasn't like her whole body was shaking but in fact she hadn't cried this hard since she had been this little girl who had always tried to be good enough but never had been. And still wasn't.

The woman closed her eyes, tried to take a deep breath and regain her composure.

And then faltered. Miserably.

She reached out for the door frame to steady herself, grabbing the dark wood as if her life depended on it.

When had she become so weak?

It was so silent, there was nothing to be heard except for her heavy breaths, the almost unnoticable sobbing and the rain.

"Screw this!" She hissed, determined to convince herself that she didn't care as much as she actually did.

She cast one last glance into the room where the envelope throned on the dark blue pillow, then she closed the door in an instant, knowing that if she didn't let go now, she would never leave.

One last deep breath, one last look around the familiar walls of her home.

No...not her home anymore.

She pulled herself together. She had to. The desperate look on her face turned into one of determination and coldness. At the moment she just couldn't allow her emotions to take over and cloud her will. There was time for that later.

The woman rushed downstairs, shrugged on her coat, put her house keys on the kitchen table, grabbed her car keys and the few bags and never looked back.

Outside the heavy drops of rain fell from the dark nighty sky – cold and merciless, but also relieving.

When all her things were stored in the trunk of the black Mercedes she turned once more.

So much had happened.

How could she have gone so far?

How could she have allowed herself to lose control in such an extent?

The house looked so peaceful. Quite an irony.

A car passed by and the lone woman whirled around, afraid of getting caught leaving.

The back lights vanished as the unknown vehicle turned around the next corner, leaving her on her own again.

Her gaze wandered back. She felt lost, wanted to hide.

"Don't be ridiculous..." She muttered to herself, meanwhile getting angry for not being able to just depart.

If there weren't all these memories...

Good memories – From long before her life had been turned upside down.

Bad memories, romantic memories...horrible ones...erotic ones...

She shook her head, trying to clear her mind.

"Enough!" She growled, turned on her heel and got in her car.

Hitting the gas pedal, the tires made a screeching sound as she disappeared into the darkness of the night.

She couldn't stay in Boston, that was for sure. In fact she hadn't thought much further than packing her things and vanish. Where was she supposed to go?

Well, it wasn't like she had no friends she'd be able to...let's say pay a visit. But she wasn't able to face anyone right now.

Who would have guessed that the life of Regina Mills would take such a tragic turn after all?

She had worked so hard for this life. So hard.

The brunette cramped her slim fingers around the steering wheel as she headed towards the highway.

Meanwhile, her vision was blurred, hot tears streamed down her cheeks ruining her make-up.

Now there was no going back. Not anymore. To be honest – probably there never had been. Not since she realized what was going on. And by the time she had figured it all out for herself she knew it was too late.

If they'd be home by now?

Her phone was turned off so there was no way of convincing her to change her mind.

The brunette hadn't even paid attention to where she was driving. Now, passing by a sign that told her she was heading south, a bitter laugh escaped her lips. This was insane.

Lately she had been wondering from time to time when she'll wake up from this nightmare...

It had only gotten worse...

It seemed like everyone kept going, she was falling behind.

Her heart felt heavy, pulling her down and making her weak. But her mind knew better than to be foolish and give in.

Give in and allow herself to love Emma.

Emma...

When Regina closed her eyes she saw that name written on the back of her eyelids. She just couldn't erase it.

That characteristic beautiful face of the young woman kept her from sleeping, made her go wild at times and tripled her heartrate.

Emma made everything seem so easy. She didn't care. She had told Regina that the only thing that mattered were here feelings...and even more important, that the brunette felt the same...

Was it so?

Was it that simple?

Just let love happen when it seeks you out? Trust your heart? Even if everything stands against it? Even if it was just wrong? Like in Not-supposed-to-be?

She clenched her teeth, narrowed her eyes and released a breath she wasn't even aware of holding.

The brunette drove way too fast and considering the pouring rain, it made this whole action almost life threatening.

Regina didn't care. She'd rather die than having to feel this steady pounding ache.

No, she couldn't think like that. She had to stop acting like a pathetic fool, for christ's sake!

It was just love, wasn't it? It would fade...sooner or later, right?

Just love.

Regina Mills let out a suppressed scream through gritted teeth and hit the gas pedal even harder.

There was no going back.

This is for the best.

And with that she vanished further into the darkness, heading towards a new life and leaving the old one behind.


	2. Chapter 1

_**A/N:**_ _I'm very happy that you seemed to be interested in the idea! Thank you to the two reviewers and favorites and for all your follows! I'm very grateful and hope that I won't disappoint. I won't be able to update regularly due to a very packed schedule, I hope you understand. On we go...Happy reading!_

 _-DA_

* * *

 **Chapter 1**

Regina Mills stood in front of the mirror in the hallway, draping a navy blue satin scarf around her neck and watched Daniel's reflection behind her.

This was the day.

Three weeks ago they had received this call. Actually only Daniel had gotten called.

Friends of his, he had said. They've known each other for years, he had told her.

And they had asked him to do them favor. Daniel had been kind enough to tell them that he couldn't make that decision all alone since he was newly engaged.

They hadn't known of course and were pleasently surprised, but still hoped that he could help them out...

* * *

 _Three weeks earlier..._

So that day three weeks ago Daniel came home from work – oddly on time.

Working as a lawyer for international law required a flexible schedule. But Regina didn't mind at all. In fact she treasured these moments of peace and silence she had for her own.

And it wasn't like she didn't understand. She was a lawyer herself.

When Daniel turned the key in the keyhole Regina was currently sitting on the couch, a glass of red wine in hand. Staring through her glasses her gaze was fixed on a page of a book that lay on top of a pile of other books, all opened and marked with colorful post-its.

There was a fire crackling in the fireplace which filled the room with a cozy warmth and the lights were dimmed.

The man held something behind his back and stepped hesitantly into the room.

Regina stopped reading, placed her index finger on the line where she had stopped, and flashed her fiancé a bright smile which was soon accompanied by slight frown.

"What did you do?" The brunette asked half jokingly half concerned.

Oh, how could he present his request...

"Daniel?"

From behind his back there appeared a beautiful red rose which he handed to her combined with a soft kiss to her forehead. Hesitantly she took the flower between her fingers, inhaled its odour and then shot Daniel a skeptical look.

"Thank you...I suppose?"

"Honey, I've got an offer to make...or better...I need to ask you something." He smiled sheepishly, not sure about her upcoming reaction.

"Oh my, I knew something was up. You know, I already agreed on marrying you?"

Daniel let out a laugh, took a seat next to his soon-to-be-wife and reached for her hand.

"Okay, I got a call today from some old friends of mine. Really good friends, actually. Mary-Margaret and David, bet I told you about them?"

"No, you didn't but keep going."

"Aynway, they live in California and have a daughter. Said daughter starts college this fall. Here. In Boston. So..."

Regina straightened her posture and arched an eyebrow, shooting Daniel an expectant look.

"Well, they asked me if Emma – that's her name..."

"Figures." The brunette muttered.

"...could stay at our place for the time being. Until she finds a place of her own."

"Which she probably won't be able to afford anyway..." Regina's tone was cynical but she gestured towards Daniel to continue.

"Would you be okay with that?" He showed her an apologetic gentle smile and reached for her second hand.

"Do I actually have a choice?" She sighed and looked at him intensely as if pondering over his plea.

They sat in silence for while, he didn't want to push her. Daniel knew Regina was one complicated woman. She didn't share private details unless she was certain that it wouldn't cause any harm...and even then she was cautious...let alone let strangers invade her home with the intention to stay.

"It would mean very much to me, darling." The brunette's fiancé mentioned quietly.

Regina put her pile of books aside, set her glasses on the table and closed the remaining distance between them. She reached out and slung her arms around his neck, pulling him close.

"If it means so much to you, honey. I guess I can deal with her...Emma...staying at our place for a while."

A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips when he sighed in relief and pulled her onto his lap to bring their lips together.

"I love you, you know that?"

"I know. I love you, too."

* * *

It was one week later when Daniel took Regina out for dinner to this small exquisite Italian restaurant and the brunette demanded information.

"So, tell me about this Emma, please. What do I have to expect?" She sipped at her wine glass and eyed him awaiting.

To be honest, she still wasn't fond of the idea of a teenage girl residing in her home, probably behaving all spoiled and taking everything for granted.

"How old she, anyway?"

Daniel reached for his glass and tried to remember everything he knew.

"I haven't seen Emma for a while now. Last time I saw her she was like...I don't know...maybe twelve? Well, she turned 21 this summer..."

He finally took a sip of wine and placed the glass back on the table.

"And what is she like – Huh...Like any normal college girl, I guess."

Daniel had absolutely no clue why the idea of Emma moving in with them for a while bothered Regina that much.

Emma was like a niece to him, a good kid.

Although he hadn't seen Mary-Margaret, David and their daughter that often over the past few years, there was almost nothing he wouldn't do for them. They've always been like a second family to him.

Regina began to fold her napkin into different shapes.

"Like any other girl? Spoiled, lazy and no manners?" She muttered under her breath, hoping that he didn't catch that.

She had to pull herself together.

It hadn't necessarily to be horrible after all.

The brunette just needed to try to be a little more open-minded.

"Regina?" Daniel began softly. "Why is this bothering you so much, love?"

They hadn't lost another word to that subject over the last week, both of them either busy or too tired to initiate a serious conversation lasting longer than 5 minutes.

Plus, due to Daniel being a lawyer for international law, he often was abroad, leaving sometimes very little time to confront each other with certain topics.

"It's not...bothering me." Regina tried to play it down, slightly rolling her eyes and forcing a smile onto her lips. But Daniel's eyes bored through her facade and finally she sighed in defeat.

"It's just...what am I supposed to do...with her? I mean, what I intend to say is, you are not home for the majority of the time. I suppose I am not good at this."

His frown disappeared and his expression softened as reached for her hand.

The flickering flame of the candle between them threw dancing shadows upon their faces; spreading a rather cozy atmosphere around them.

He knew what was boiling deep down inside her.

"Darling," His thumb gently caressed the back of her hand, drawing small invisible circles.

"You don't have to do anything...with her. Emma is not a child and certainly able to occupy herself. You don't have to entertain her...or whatever you think you're supposed to do. Although it would be rather nice to try to integrate her in our daily life. Let her take part. Unless she absolutely doesn't want to. But I highly doubt that. You'll just be...cool aunt Regina!" He tried to give her his best encouraging smile but was only greeted by a quirked brow and brown eyes filled with doubt.

So Daniel decided to continue.

"Just think of it as practice!"

"Practice!?" Regina deadpanned.

"Children don't stay small, you know? Every single one of them will grow and fight their way through adolescence." He gave her a warm crooked smile, Regina though retrieved her hand, not sure whether to laugh or to cry.

But she remained composed, finally forcing a smile again before reaching for her wine glass.

"I suppose you're right. She's probably a sweet bright girl!" And with that she downed the blood red liquid, suddenly feeling the upcoming urgent desire to crawl into bed and hide under the blankets.

* * *

Regina still stared at her reflection in the mirror, her almost shoulder length hair softly surrounding her cheeks

Everything was set and ready for the college girl's arrival.

Still barefoot the brunette grabbed her Loboutin heels, slipped them on and straightened her white button down shirt. Combined with black skinny jeans and the blue scarf she tried to look as casual as possible. A piece of advice from her beloved fiancé: Try not to be as intimidating as you usually are. She thought dressing kind of legère would be a good start.

Regina Mills didn't feel comfortable. Watching Daniel as he tied his shoe laces, she felt like yelling at him: I don't want this!

But it was childish. Ridiculous.

She couldn't put a name on it but she just had a feeling like this whole thing wasn't going to develope too well.

She was probably just overreacting.

When Daniel got up again, grabbing his jacket and the car keys, she still stood there, somehow awkward, feeling out of place, a storm roaring inside of her.

"You ready?" He smiled, reaching for her hand to intertwine their fingers.

Her gaze still lingered on him, even if her mind was thousand miles away until it dawned on her that she must seem quite odd just standing there. She forced a smile onto her lips, gave him a nod and turned towards the door. But again, he held her back and pulled her carefully into his arms.

"Regina, I really don't know why this is bothering you so much. But I promise you everything is going to be alright, okay?"

The brunette had her face buried in the crook of his neck, because she didn't dare to look at him. She just let out a soft sigh. After a few moments of silence she placed a light kiss just below his ear and whispered hardly audible: "Let's go!"

The whole drive they remained silent. Somehow, it was a comfortable silence, no need for a forced conversation. Both of them caught in their own realm of thoughts.

Regina watched the heavy rain hit the windows, small drops flowing off in all directions.

She had been trying to figure out her weirdness for the rest of the week and hadn't succeeded.

It couldn't just be the fact that this girl was moving in with them. Or could it?

There was more to that...things that she was probably not ready to admit...thoughts that she was not able to voice.

Or was it merely Daniel's indication of wanting children himself?

Or her own insecurity?

Was it...her secret uncertainty about having feelings towards other women? Feelings she didn't dare to tell anyone about... She suppressed them or at least she tried. There had been times were she hadn't been able to...were she had been weak... It frightened her.

Maybe she was scared...of being...of living...so close...

'No! Stop!' She always tended to scold herself. She was not ready to face that...voice her thoughts...

The car came to a sudden halt when Daniel hit the brakes, uncharacteristically cursing and swearing. Regina was shaken, yanked from her reverie, her knuckles white from grabbing the handle.

"Are you alright?" Daniel reached over to rest a comforting hand on his fiancée's thigh. Regina released a breath she hadn't even been aware of holding.

"I'm fine, don't you worry!" She took in his concerned expression and placed her hand over his, giving it a squeeze.

The car began to move again, their hands still joined. As usual, Regina pushed her thoughts aside. She recalled Daniel's words from earlier: "It's going to be alright."

And right then the ghost of a smile appeared on her lips. It could be fun, right? They'd probably have a good time...right?

She wouldn't have these kind of thoughts...towards a college girl. Who was practically family...as Daniel put it.

The rain hadn't stopped when they got out of the car in the airport's parking lot. Walking side by side under Regina's huge umbrella towards the entrance, the brunette watched the people rushing by, laughing, crying, looking stressed out or simply lost.

"We're right on time, they must have already landed." Daniel looked at his phone where he seemed to have Emma's flight information on display.

"Well then, we shouldn't let her wait, should we?" Regina tightened her grip on his hand and pulled him towards the sliding doors. She wanted to get over with this as soon as possible.

And then they waited. Daniel stood behind her and had rested his arms around her waist, probably to reassure her. The spot was crowded, people were waiting, waving while jumping up and down, laughing and crying at the same time.

"Look, there she is!" Daniel loosened his grip, gave her a short squeeze and a kiss to her temple and pulled her behind him through the crowd...


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N:** _Hey! First of all: Thank you for your reviews, favorites and follows! Made me really happy to see your reactions! Here's the next chapter - All mistakes are mine! Happy reading and have a great weekend!_

 _-DA_

* * *

 **Chapter 2**

Regina couldn't make out a face, she just spotted a bunch golden curls.

"Emma!" The bunch of golden curls whirled around at the calling of her name and Daniel let go of Regina's hand to spread his arms.

"Uncle Dan!" Emma threw her arms around his neck and he pulled her into a tight embrace.

"Oh god, it's been forever! I missed you!" Emma let out a content sigh and pulled back.

"Indeed it has, Emma. Glad you made it here in one piece. You had a good trip?"

"Yeah, it was okay. There was that weird guy next to me who apparently mistook my shoulder for a pillow after telling me everything about koala bears after he'd watched a documentary about them on board TV. And I'm starving! You know...airplane food..." Emma shrugged and reached for the handle of her suitcase.

Regina stood awkwardly behind the two, waiting to be introduced and not wanting to force herself between this lovely reunion.

"Emma, I want you to meet someone..." Daniel reached out for the brunette and took her by the hand, a proud smile tugging at corners of his lips.

And then Regina could take a real look at the young blonde for the very first time.

Sparkling green eyes, light skin...a warm and beautiful smile.

And all she managed was a small smile and a polite nod before she outstretched her hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Emma! Welcome to Boston! I'm Regina, Daniel's fiancee."

Emma regarded Regina's hand with an amused expression before she took it into her own and gave it a shake.

"Nice to meet you, Regina! And thank for, you know...letting me stay at your house for a while." The blonde grimaced and grinned.

"Ah, don't mention it. We're glad to have you!" Daniel joined in and reached for Emma's suitcase.

"Come on, let's go! Before they trample us to death!" He added and began to move, followed by the blonde newcomer and Regina, who preferred to stay silent for the time being.

The car ride was filled with the happy chatter of Emma and Daniel, while Regina had insisted on driving under the pretext to give them the opportunity to catch up. She just wanted to keep her distance, so the brunette focused on the traffic, nonetheless listening to the ongoing conversation.

* * *

As soon as they entered their home, Regina ordered Daniel to show Emma the house and her room while she started to prepare dinner. Another attempt to avoid forced conversations and awkward silence.

A sigh escaped her lips while she pushed her hand through her raven locks.

It hadn't been that bad so far, right? Well...she hadn't said much, therefore...

She just needed to be polite and friendly. That shouldn't be too hard to manage.

A few seconds ticked by as Regina watched the rain drum against the window. Then, finally, after looking around in confusion she remembered why she had gone to the kitchen in the first place.

"Dinner..." She whispered to herself and moved to collect the needed items to start her famous lasagna. The girl ate lasagna, right?

It wasn't like her to be out of it like that. She usually handled all kinds of people with ease and a suave manner. That shouldn't be any different! She didn't even know WHAT she was afraid of, for crying out loud.

"Oh, get a grip!" Regina slammed the vegetables into the sink and was instantly embarrassed for talking loudly to herself again.

* * *

Over dinner Regina genuinely tried to join in on the conversation and threw in a few comments when Emma told about her life in California, her family and friends and hobbies. What had the brunette honestly surprised was the blondes claimed love for latin dances such as salsa and merengue.

"You dance?!" She actually tried her best to sound casual but soon realized that she hadn't quite succeeded when Emma laughed and answered: "Is that so hard to believe?" There was a playful sparkle in her deep green eyes as she glanced towards the reserved woman who instantly reached for her glass of wine.

Daniel watched that small exchange with an amused expression on his face.

"Regina's an expert when it comes to latin dances!" He proudly announced and reached for her hand.

"I am not..." His fiancee murmured and immediately wished she hadn't said anything at all.

"That's how we actually met. In a salsa bar!" Daniel continued and grinned, ignoring Regina's small attempt of protest.

"Really?" Emma asked and appeared genuinely interested which made Regina even more uncomfortable.

"Yes...The owner of that salsa bar is a friend of my father. He's Puerto Rican. My father, I mean." Regina internally rolled her eyes. This forced conversation seemed rather pointless.

"Maybe we can go there together sometime! You know, dancing and stuff!" Emma suggested smiling broadly. The blonde could sense that Regina felt rather comfortable and tried to lighten the mood.

 _No!_

"Yes, why not..." Regina smiled weakly and took another sip of wine, hoping that the conversation was over for the moment. A few seconds of silence passed while the three of them seemed to intently concentrate on eating. There was only the occasional clinking of cutlery and barely audible chewing sounds.

"So, Emma! Your parents mentioned you're going to to study English!" Daniel awkwardly tried to revive the conversation. He wanted Emma to feel good and welcome and cared for.

Emma herself just smiled knowingly and took a sip of water. She could literally sense how strained the atmosphere was and how uneasy Daniel's fiancee seemed to feel. She immediately felt a pang of guilt for invading the woman's home, although Daniel had been friends with her parents since high school. Should she say something? Apologize maybe? No, that would be weird...and could probably cause unnecessary trouble between the two of them.

"Emma!?"

"Wha...sorry?!" Emma was pulled from her musings by a concerned looking Daniel and looked at him quite perplexed. Her gaze wandered towards the brunette who regarded her with a curious expression.

"Sorry, I guess I'm just dead tired." The blonde smiled sheepishly and banished her earlier thoughts concerning the brunette.

"Dinner was delicious, really! Thank you, Regina! Uhm..."

Regina gave the blonde a small smile and nodded her thanks for the appreciation of her cooking skills.

"It's okay, Emma. You should catch up on some sleep. Tomorrow there will be time for everything else. Go, Regina and I will clear everything away." Daniel explained and tried to hide his own yawn behind his hand.

"Sure?" Emma questioned again and Regina gave her another encouraging nod, so the blonde thanked them again and still feeling awkward left for her new room.

* * *

Emma fell onto the bed, crawled under the heavy blanket and let out a content sigh. This felt good. She had opened the window and the cool Boston air chilled the temperature in the room immediately. She just wanted to sleep and drift off to dreamland but she simply couldn't. As comfy as the bed was it felt weird. And different.

Another sigh escaped her lips and she turned to lie on her stomach.

She hadn't done anything wrong, had she?

Daniel had warned her that his fiancee might need some time to warm up to her. Nevertheless, she felt as if she was intruding and merely accepted. But then again, what did she expect? Daniel had known her since she was small kid. Regina on the other hand was a total stranger to her and vice versa...

"Oh, stop thinking..." Emma muttered into the darkness of the room and tried to focus on the sounds of traffic that came from the still busy streets outside. Emma was about to start a new chapter in her life and she was filled with anticipation. Maybe she and the brunette just had a rocky start.

"It's going to be fine..." The blonde whispered as she finally closed her eyes and drifted off.

* * *

Regina dried the last plate with the kitchen towel and was thankful for a few moments of silence. The girl had went to bed early and Daniel had vanished to take a shower. That left her with the dirty dishes but for once she didn't mind. It gave her time to think although by know she was so tired of analyzing her thoughts that she just focused on her task of rinsing the plates.

Daniel had agreed to take some days off to introduce Emma to Boston and help her to figure everything out. Regina was more than grateful that she had a busy day at the law firm ahead. She already dreaded the coming days when it was just Emma and her because Daniel was abroad. Sometimes he was gone for weeks – what was she supposed to do when this Emma wanted to...socialize? Spend time with her...?

But that was unlikely, wasn't it? The blonde would soon make friends in Boston and just come home to have dinner. Or to study.

The brunette threw the towel over her left shoulder and leaned her back against the counter.

"This is going to be a disaster..." The words were out the moment Daniel stepped into the kitchen, so Regina avoided his gaze and studied her manicured nails. She heard her fiance approach and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Are you okay?" Daniel softly asked and slipped his hands around her waist to pull her close.

"I'm fine."

"Yeah? You certainly don't look fine, love...Is it Emma? Is this really bothering you so much?" He couldn't quite grasp why she was so closed off when it came to the girl. Regina was complicated. Always has been and always will be, he knew her. But he began to doubt that he actually knew her as well as he had originally thought. At least when it came to certain topics.

She wouldn't talk. And he would certainly not force her. But he hoped nonetheless that one day she would let her guards down and open up. At least a tiny bit, so he could understand.

"No, it's not Emma..." Regina finally answered and finally put her arms around his neck.

"She's a sweet girl and we'll get along quite well." The brunette tried to sound convincing and added one of her smiles.

"I just need some time to...you know, get used to everything...get used to her." The brunette continued and leaned in to place a kiss to the corner of Daniel's mouth.

"Let's go to bed...I'm terribly tired." She added and pulled him out of the kitchen.


	4. Chapter 3

**_A/N:_** _Thank you again for the reviews, favs and follows! They really made me happy! Again, all mistakes are mine. So, on we go! :)_

 _-DA_

* * *

 **Chapter 3**

The first few days passed without any complications. They had breakfast together, Regina went to work soon after that and stayed late while Daniel spent his time off with Emma and showed her around.

The brunette had finally calmed down a bit, handled confrontations with the blonde with more ease and even tried to initiate a few conversations on her own. Nevertheless she still felt anxious and dreaded the upcoming days when she was left alone with the college girl. Daniel would leave for Europe for two weeks after the coming weekend, so she tried to push her negative thoughts as far away as possible with the intention to enjoy her fiance's presence as much as possible.

It was Friday afternoon when Regina just stepped out of court after she had kept her last appointment for the day which had, of course, been a huge success. Feeling rather satisfied it took her even more by surprise when she saw Daniel, sitting in his car and waving towards her from the court's parking lot. Next to him: Emma Swan. With a confused expression painted across her features she approached the waiting car and its two occupants.

Regina leaned forward with a small frown ans placed a small kiss on Daniel's lips.

"Hey Emma!" The brunette greeted and received another small wave.

"May I ask what you two are doing here?"

"We're here to pick you up!" Daniel exclaimed, sensing Regina's hesitance.

"Yeah, I figured that much. The question is why?"

"Weekend shopping! We figured that since Emma is part of that household for the time being we should, you know, do things together to get to know each other, find out what the other one likes..." He trailed off and regarded her with a uncertain expression.

"I see." The brunettes answer was short and clipped. Pushing some dark strands out of her face Regina straightened her back and regarded the parking lot for a second.

"My car is parked here, I can't leave it. I'll follow you, you drive ahead." With that she went off and Daniel let out sigh.

"See, it didn't go that bad..."

"Yeah, she was ecstatic!" Emma snorted and watched the brunette climb into her own car.

"She just-" Daniel began but was instantly interrupted.

"Needs time, I know." Emma finished and continued to stare out of the window as Daniel began to drive towards the parking lot's exit to head towards their shopping destination.

* * *

The drive didn't take that long and Regina parked her Benz several spots away from Daniel's car. During the whole drive she had cursed her fiancé for disrupting her Friday routine by his incessant wish to play house and family for whatever reason. He had never cared for grocery shopping before and she didn't understand the show he put on for the girl. She took a deep breath and felt the urgent desire to just drive away again. And it wasn't Emma's fault. Although the brunette had yet to come to terms with the blonde and the new living situation she didn't want her to feel unwanted. So she forced herself to try. With one last glance in the rare view mirror Regina got out of the car, grabbed her purse and locked the Benz before she went over to Daniel and Emma, who were already waiting with a shopping cart at the entrance. The blonde was wearing these skinny jeans again, the ones that emphasized her toned legs to an extend that made Regina always look away in embarrassment. Her golden locks were blowing in the soft breeze and a pair of sunglasses was adorning her head.

The moment Regina reached the pair Daniel's cell phone began to ring and he shot them an apologetic look.

"Sorry, I need to take this one. Won't be long, but you two go ahead, alright?" And with that he vanished, already talking animatedly on the phone. Regina had opened her mouth to object but hadn't had the chance to even say a word.

"So, guess it's just the two of us!" Emma smiled and Regina just stared back at her, not moving. Then her eyes dropped involuntarily down to Emma's jeans clad legs again and then all of a sudden grabbed the handle of the cart and stalked off.

"Let's go then..." The brunette added softly and Emma just raised her eyebrows, following after Regina without any comment.

Emma still hadn't figured out if Daniel's soon-to-be-wife just didn't like her or if she was just very...anti social. Or both. Over the last few days the blonde had caught the other woman eying her wearily from time to time as if she was some kind of threat and every time Emma had locked eyes with her she had cast her gaze away like a scared doe. And Emma really tried her best to fit in. She always offered help, set the table and asked for other chores she could take over. Although most of the time Regina told her thanks, but no thanks.

In moments like this Daniel just told her to leave Regina alone and that she shouldn't take it the wrong way. When she had asked him why the brunette acted the way she did and if there was something she could do to make the other woman feel more comfortable Daniel had just shrugged his shoulders and told her that Regina just needed time. That seemed to be the answer for everything.

Maybe she just had to be more...persistent. And make the other woman see that she didn't mean no harm.

That she wanted this to work and wanted to get to know her...

"One step at a time." Emma muttered and finally caught up to the brunette who was currently examining different kind of vegetables. The blonde stepped closer and put her hands into her pockets.

"These look good!" Emma finally commented and pointed to some vine-ripened tomatoes.

Regina regarded her with surprise, put the tomatoes she had held in her hand away in order to reach for the ones Emma had been pointing at to take a testing look at them.

"I suppose you're right..." Regina said softly, showed Emma a small smile and set the tomatoes among other vegetables and fruits down in the cart.

"So, what else we need? If you name me few things I could like go off and grab them? If you want?"

It drove Emma nuts how self-conscious that woman made her feel. As if she always had to look out that she didn't say anything wrong with the result that Regina would stop talking to her entirely.

"That's really not..." Regina began and then stopped herself. Daniel was right after all. As long as Emma was their house guest she should be included. Even if it was just shopping.

"That would be very kind, thank you!" The brunette finished instead and handed over her list of things that were needed to be collected.

"Add some things you like as well and then we'll just meet here again, alright?" A hesitant smile accompanied her words before she went off to work through her part of the list.

Since Emma hadn't expected Regina to accept her offer to help it took her quite by surprise which led to the blonde standing perplexed next to the bell pepper, the list clasped in her hand.

When she finally realized that just standing there while staring at nothing in particular might make her seem like an idiot, Emma began to move.

Meanwhile Regina had walked off in the other direction, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her lips...

When they met again Emma had her arms packed with different items from the list as well as the ones she had picked for her own, which she intended to pay herself. So she put the ones from Regina's list into the cart and kept the few others in her hands.

"Aren't you going to put them in?" Regina asked, a confused frown adorning her face.

"No...I'm going to pay for them myself, of course." Emma replied and gave Regina one of her beautiful smiles.

The brunette opened her mouth to respond something, but since she honestly didn't know what to say, she closed it again. She shouldn't let Emma pay these things herself. Daniel wouldn't allow it either, but...who was she to tell Emma what to do?! And if the blonde insisted on paying for herself then she should.

"Alright then." Regina replied quietly and gave a consenting nod.

When Regina had paid and packed everything away into huge shopping bags she patiently waited for the blonde to pay for her items. It was then that Emma realized that something quite important was missing.

"Oh damn..." She muttered as she panicky searched her pockets and then furiously blushed.

She had left her wallet in the car...or at home...she wasn't entirely sure.

Way to go, Emma. Way to go.

"Are you going to pay or what?!" The cashier girl asked and rolled her eyes.

"Uhm...Yeah! I intend to do just that...uhm..." Emma offered lamely and her face felt as if it was about to burst into flames. The queue behind her was constantly getting longer and people began to show off their annoyed expressions.

Regina watched the blonde's interaction with the cashier with an amused expression and raised eyebrows, before finally clearing her throat. With a polite smile she handed over a fifty dollar bill and told the cashier girl to keep the change as an excuse for the trouble.

Emma collected her things and seemed to be determined to burn holes into the floor with her eyes, trying her best to avoid Regina's gaze as they walked towards the exit. Of course she had to make a total fool of her herself, what else?!

"That went well." Regina commented with an amused sparkle in her eyes and Emma blushed even more. Now the brunette probably thought...Yeah, Emma didn't actually know what she thought at all.

"Sorry..." The blonde mumbled and regarded the older woman from the corner of her eye, still trying to hide her embarrassment. Where was her confidence when it was needed?! Usually Emma didn't give a damn about other people's opinion but for some reason she wanted to be liked by the brunette.

As soon as they stepped out into to parking lot again Regina slowed down and looked around for Daniel who hadn't come after them after all. She spotted him leaning against the hood of his car, still talking on the phone. When he discovered Regina and Emma walking towards him he ended the call, slid the phone into his pocket and waited for them to reach him.

"Seems like you didn't find the entrance. Next time I'll give you a map." Regina commented with a cocked eyebrow and instantly knew, that he was about to tell her something she would not necessarily like.

"That was my colleague from London, the one I'm working with on the current case. It seems like there occurred some problems with our client. I'm afraid I need to leave early."

The brunette pursed her lips, an unreadable expression in her eyes.

"I see. When is _early_?"

"Tonight."

"Of course." This wasn't unusual. It actually happened more often than not. Nonetheless, Regina had a hard time swallowing her anger and not making a scene in front of Emma who looked rather uncomfortable. Daniel shot his fiancée a meaningful look and Regina gave him a barely visible nod before she headed towards her car without saying another word.

"You okay?" Emma asked awkwardly, still holding the things in her arms she just had bought. Or rather, Regina had.

"I'm fine, don't worry. She'll calm down. Guess we're all just bit stressed out."

"Sure..." Emma smiled, not believing a single word he told her.

* * *

When they got home Daniel immediately went off to get his suitcase since his flight was scheduled for this night and he needed to be at the airport on time, Regina stormed after him with a murderous glare and Emma stayed behind with the grocery bags in hand and an uneasy feeling in her stomach. The brunette seemed to be in foul mood and Emma had no clue what the actual problem was. Again. As far as she knew, it was quite common, that Daniel often had to leave on short notice and was more abroad than actually at home. At least for certain periods of time. A sigh escaped her lips and the blonde grabbed the shopping bags and went off to the the fridge to store everything away.

Upstairs Regina was fuming while Daniel packed his things and acted like it wasn't a big deal. Well, it wasn't. At least for him.

"I never signed up this!" Regina said with a tremor in her voice.

"Your flight wasn't scheduled for another two days, Daniel! This was your idea! We're in this together you said! And what do you do? You take the first opportunity to step onto a flight to Europe! Great! Thank you very much!" Regina released a shaky breath and sought out the door frame for support.

Her fiancé chose to stay silent, unwaveringly resuming to pack his suitcase.

"You know what? Forget it! It's gonna be fine! I don't need your help...Emma and I are -"

"Calm down already, will you!" Daniel raised his voice and whirled around to face the brunette.

Regina's mouth snapped shut and she stared at him wide eyed. He rarely raised his voice when he talked to her. Not that it frightened her, no. It was just...unexpected.

"You're completely losing it, Regina! What the hell is your problem?! You never talk about what's going on and I'm so tired of guessing! You can't expect people to go along with your moods and never question it! So, as long as your not willing to tell me what's going on this discussion is over! I'm sorry I have to leave early, I really am. But in our job one has to meet certain obligations – You of all people should know that. So please, Regina! If you're not here to have a decent talk, I am sorry but I really have no time for this." While talking Daniel had stopped to pack his suitcase to fully face to brunette. His eyes lingered on her, his gaze expecting, almost hopeful. Regina stared at him in bewilderment, not moving an inch.

He was right.

Of course he was right.

But what was she supposed to say? She still struggled to figure it out for herself let alone was she able to articulate her inner turmoil.

So Regina chose to stay silent. Proud as she was the brunette held her head high and crossed her arms in front of her chest in a defensive manner, her troubled eyes never leaving Daniel's face.

"I'm afraid I have nothing to add. You made yourself quite clear." Her voice was quiet and she released another breath before adding: "Have a save trip. And call when you got there."

The brunette stepped forward, regarded her fiancé as if considering her next action and finally placed a small soft kiss onto his lips before she turned around and left him to himself.

Emma had heard their argument. Not that she had a clue about what they had actually fought about. But there had been screaming...and then silence. After she had emptied the shopping bags and had stored everything away the blonde had gone to the living room to turn on the TV. To drown out the fighting. It was none of her business. She didn't realize that she wasn't alone anymore until she heard something being dropped with a thud. It was Daniel who had set down his suitcase and bag and now stepped towards her, a smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes. Regina was nowhere to be seen.

"Sorry I have to leave early, Em." He gave her a hug and stepped back.

"No problem, really. It's gonna be fine." She smiled at him reassuringly and shrugged.

"College starts next week anyway, so...Gonna be busy! So so busy!" She grinned and tried her best to look convincing. She wasn't afraid to be alone with Regina. It was a big house after all. What freaked her out was that she still hadn't figured the other woman out. But one step at a time.

"Alright then...Gotta catch that flight. I'll see you in two weeks...or before when I manage to figure out how Skype works. Regina has tried to teach me for ages but you know..." Daniel shrugged, grinned and reached for his bags.

"I believe in you!" Emma joked and walked him to the door.

She gave him one last wave when he entered the waiting taxi and finally closed the door.

The blonde let out a sigh and slumped back against to wooden door.

"Here we go..."


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N: Hello everyone! It's been a while but I hope some of you are still interested! I hope you all had/have a great summer and some time to enjoy life! So, here is the next chapter, all mistakes are mine! Happy reading!_

* * *

 **Chapter 4**

Regina had curled up on the huge bed as soon as Daniel had left the house and now watched the seconds tick by on the alarm clock that stood on her nightstand. The house was quiet and she had no idea what Emma was doing. Had she overheard their fight?

Regina didn' know.

Did she care?

To a certain extend, yes.

Regina sighed and hugged herself closer. It wasn't like her anymore to hide away like this. She always tried to face the world with her head held high. Well, not always...there have been times when...Back in the days, when...

She squeezed her eyes shut and sucked in the air.

Emma hadn't done anything wrong. She was kind, considerate, proud and confident.

Pretty.

Attractive.

Dangerous.

Regina released a shaky breath she hasn't even been aware of holding and pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes. It has never been her intention to make the blonde feel not welcome in her home, not at all. And she shouldn't let her fear get the best of her. So she sat up, folded her legs underneath her body and observed her disheveled appearance in the huge mirror that hung from the closet door. Her eyes were red-rimmed, her hair mussed and her face blotched.

"Pathetic..." She rolled her eyes and an exhausted laugh escaped her lips before she shook her head and finally got up.

Nothing was going to happen.

A lot of time had passed and she had learned to be...good.

* * *

Emma didn't know how much time had passed when she finally heard how the other woman descended the stairs. She had curled up on the couch with a book and a cup of tea. The TV was still running as a background noise but the blonde didn't pay attention to the show that was currently on. It was way past 9 pm and she had skipped dinner since she wasn't sure if Regina would be up for anything to eat. She could have ordered a pizza but for once she didn't feel like eating anyway.

When the brunette entered the living room Emma straightened her back and sat up right. The book rested in her lap and she had put her fingers between the pages.

"Hey!" The blonde shot Regina a confident smile.

"Hey." The older woman answered, her deep smokey voice a tad raspier than usual. Regina stood awkwardly in front of the couch, debating with herself wether to sit down or to panic and run. Considering the latter wouldn't exactly help to make things better the brunette lowered herself into to cushions of the sofa and locked her gaze to the TV without actually paying attention to the show.

Emma warily eyed Regina, trying not to stare as she took in her features.

The woman looked exhausted.

Had she been crying?

Was she supposed to say something? Well...Regina Mills didn't seem to be the chatty type. Conversation could make things worse...couldn't it?

No...nothing can make this worse, Emma thought dryly and combed through her hair with her hand.

"Uhm...Thank you!"

What?! Emma groaned inwardly and was tempted to slap herself.

Regina frowned and shot the blonde a sceptical look.

"I'd say 'You're welcome' if you'd care to enlighten me what you are thankful for." A small smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she watched how Emma blushed furiously.

"For you! No, I mean...Damn it! Sorry! I mean...For letting me stay at your house." Emma closed her eyes and inahled a deep breath. That went well... That woman drove her crazy by simply existing!

The brunette had chosen to stay silent and continued to observe the blonde's wild gesticulations.

"I...", Emma began but stopped, not sure if she should say what intended to leave her mouth. But again...what could happen besides Regina kicking her out?

"I can see that you are not exactly comfortable with...this. With me living here for the time being. And I know you agreed to this for Uncle Dan...And that's okay." Emma smiled and continued.

"I can find another place...maybe not tonight, because I hardly know anybody. Just give me a couple of days and I'll be out of your hair. I'll tell Daniel that-"

"Emma, stop!" Regina said, her voice calm but insistent.

The blonde's mouth snapped shut and she caught her bottom lip between her teeth.

Her brows were furrowed in concentration as she waited for Regina to say something and with the seconds ticking by her nervousness continued to grow.

"I don't want you to go." Regina began, her voice a bit shaky as she tried to stay calm.

"And I'm afraid you're right. I am...uncomforbtale. But this has nothing to do with you, you have to believe me. At least not...directly." As Emmas eyes widened in suprise the brunette hurried to continue.

"You didn't do anything wrong! It's just...I'm complicated. And most people can't deal with that." Regina lowered her gaze, embarrassed and self-conscious. That girl went right through her walls, looked straight into her soul.

"People can't deal with that or you can't deal with people?" Emma grinned and finally began to relax again. The brunette wouldn't kick her out...for now. She was just awkward. Which made her kind of adorable.

"Careful, Ms. Swan!" Regina answered but failed to sound threatening. Mainly because Emma was right. She wasn't good with people. She could do business, was even considered to be one of the best. But the rest?

"Maybe both." The brunette finally admitted and stared at her knees.

Emma smiled at her, knowing that she couldn't see it.

"And do you know the reason?" The blonde enquired hesitantly and took a sip of her tea.

"No." Regina answered, too fast to sound convincing. "Well...maybe." She added therefor, her tone distant. She straightened her back and clenched her teeth.

There was silence between them and Emma didn't quite dare to ask if the brunette intended to elucidate her earlier comment. She got her answer nonetheless.

"I'm not going to enlighten you, if it's that what you're wondering." It came out harsher than she wanted it to.

Deep buried inside she knew what the reasond was...she just wasn't able to explain it to anyone. Regina shook her head, trying to get rid of her thoughts and memories. But she failed. Her anxiety grew as well as the nauseaous feeling in her stomach.

"I didn't mean to upset-" Emma began, put her cup of tea aside and reached forward to place a comforting hand onto Regina's own. That this seemed to have been the wrong move she realized soon after. The brunette flinched and moved backwards, panic written all over her face. She hadn't been prepared at all.

"You can't touch me." The deep voice sounded suffocated and agonized.

"I'm sorry! I-" The blonde was never able to finish her apology, because the other woman stood in less than a second and was out of the room.

* * *

Upstairs Regina frantically searched for her hidden can of Xanax, close to hyperventilating, feeling dizzy and nauseaous.

Where had she put them?!

It took too long. Her hands were shaking immensely, so various things slipped from her fingers until she finally spotted the pills. Regina had taken them for years now, although her doctor had reduced her dose lately since the brunette had experienced fewer panic attacks over the past two years.

As prescripted she popped the pill into her mouth and downed it with a huge gulp of water. Still shaking she lowered herself onto the bed and curled into a ball.

"Breathe..." Her words were barely a whisper but still sounded too loud. The room was dark and silend apart from the occasional whimper that left the brunette's lips.

* * *

Emma didn't understand. It had happened within mere seconds that the older woman's mood had turned completely upside down. Emma suspected it to be a panic attack, but wasn't entirely sure. But if Regina suffered from depression and/or anxiety...why the hell hadn't Daniel said anything?

"Maybe he doesn't know..." She wondered out loud, although it seemed unlikely. They were engaged for god's sake.

The next thing that came to the blonde's mind was that maybe she should check on Regina. But what if that would make things worse? But leaving her without being sure the brunette was alright seemed to be the wrong choice as well. So Emma got up, turned off the TV, brought her cup to the kitchen and turned off the lights in the living room. After she had checked that the door was locked the blonde climbed the stairs and paused in front of the master bedroom. There was nothing but silence and the muffled traffic noise from the city. Emma dared to softly knock and then waited.

Nothing.

"Regina, are you alright?"

A few seconds later she got her response.

"Go to sleep, Emma." Her voice souned weak and tired.

"O-okay. Good night then, I guess? If...you need something, you know where to find me." With that the blonde left and hurried into her room, were she leaned against the closed door and let out a relieved breath. She felt exhausted and scared, helpless and small.


	6. Chapter 5

_**A/N:** Hello to everyone! First of all a big THANK YOU for all your kind words, the favorites and follows! You made me very happy! Thank you! So, I've brought you the next chapter and I sincerely hope it makes sense. In my head it does...but that doesn't count. All mistakes are mine!_

 _Happy reading!_

* * *

 **Chapter 5**

Throughout the next few days Emma barely saw Regina at all. The blonde concentrated on preparing for college and when her first day finally was in sight she could barely contain her relief that she now would have a proper reason to leave the house. Sure, the brunette had went to work and stayed late but it just felt wrong for Emma to be in a house were she clearly wasn't as welcome as she had anticipated or hoped for. Knowing Daniel didn't mean knowing anything about Regina. That much was clear.

The weekend before monday, the day she would start her semester, was spent inside due to the horrible Boston weather conditions. Being a Cali-girl the blonde still had to get used to low temperatures, foggy mornings, rainy days and stormy nights. But Emma didn' mind. It was quite charming in its own way. So, after she had called her parents and assured them that everything was alright, the blonde had settled down on the couch with a book, her laptop and a cup of tea. The living room was neutral ground and she hoped that Regina would realize that the young woman was open for company and didn't try to avoid her (altough sometimes she would rather do just that). On the contrary Regina made no secret of the fact that she prefered to be alone. The brunette spent hours in a row holed up in her home office when she wasn't at work anyway. Therefore, Emma wasn't any step further with figuring her out.

A sigh escaped the blonde's lips before she took a sip of tea, reached for her book and opened the page where she had stopped reading before. Only another week. Then Daniel would come home. Altough it wasn' sure for how long he was about to stay before he had leave for another case or meeting it was a small flicker of hope. And until then she would hopefully be busy anyway. She just had to survive this weekend.

* * *

Regina sat in her office staring at a wooden box. The brunette hadn't slept at all last night and was over tired but so restless that she couldn't manage to lie still in bed and just sleep. Since the constant nervousness had found her way back to her it felt like she was just trying to survive each day. Not living anymore...just attempting to pass by.

Maybe she should have called her therapist. He could have told her how to act and react in advance. The brunette didn't even know for sure why she hadn't done so.

Maybe she was trying to convince herself that it wasn't acually as bad as she thought. And it might have raised suspicions. Things with her finance were complicated enough as they were.

She had once sworn to never speak about it. And in fact she never had. Except for her doctor.

Nobody would value a damaged or broken soul. They had made sure she would never forget that. But one could only be strong for so long, right?

Regina closed her eyes and released a shaky breath. With trembling fingers she reached for the lit of dark wooden box and opened it. Its content was no mystery to her but it was hard to look at it nonetheless.

Reaching inside Regina pulled out a stack of old polaroids. She had taken them. A long time ago. She held them upside down so just backside was visible, where there were written different dates and certain facts.

The first one said: Me, 6 years old. Battle scar. Summer '86.

The handwriting was a bit messy. A child's doing. Her daddy had told her what to write and how to do it because at that time she had barely begun to work on her writing skills. Her father had also been to one who gave her the old polaroid camera for her sixth birthday. When turning six years old it had been her goal to become a photographer one day, so he had bought her the camera. To practice. To capture special moments and turn them into proofs of memories.

She had done so. Just not in the way daddy had imagined.

Turning the polaroid around she came face to face with her six year old self. Little Regina had bravely tried tosmile into camera with a tear stained face, watery eyes, a missing front tooth (losing her milk teeth at that time) and a nasty wound on her upper lip. To think that this photo was the only one out of the many others were she had been proud and happy was actually quite sad.

It had been a bicycle accident with the tragic ending of her hanging in her neighbours rose bushes and the fence. Regina had never told her parents that it had been her half-sister Zelena who had pushed her out of anger about somehthing she couldn't even remember today.

A tiny smile ghosted her lips before the brunette set the photo aside to look at the next one. There were a few which showed different landscapes, the ocean, insects, flowers and her neighbourhood. One of a ladybird and one of a snail.

Then the happy pictures stopped.

Regina knew what she had to expect. It wasn't like she had never forced herself to go through her memory box before. But each and every time she felt the familiar lump form in her throat, preventing her from breathing evenly. Not that she has done so before.

The next polaroid said: Me, 9 years old, Octobre '89, I said too much.

The handwriting had improved although it still looked kind of messy. Understandable considering the circumstances.

Turning the picture Regina gazed at her 9 year old self. Her own dark eyes stared back at her. Kind of terrified as if she wasn't sure about what had happened before. A reddened cheek and the beginnings of a forming purple bruise were clearly visible as well.

A soft sob escaped Regina's lips and her hand shot up to cover her mouth. She could remember the scenario as if it had happened only yesterday. Daddy had been gone for the weekend and she and Zelena had stayed at home with their mother. Zelena and her had played some game and the TV had been on. Cora had watched the movie _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ with Audrey Hepburn. She didn't even know why she said it in the first place. She had been a 9 year old girl for crying out loud. But she said it anyway, not thinking anything bad by it.

 _"Sometimes I wish I were a boy. When I'm grown up I'd like to marry a beautiful woman like her."_

That had been it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Zelena had stared at her with a shocked expression. Being a bit older that her half-sister she knew how their mother thought about...these "abnormal individuals". Gay people. That's what Cora had called them. Still did.

Everything had happened very fast then. Cora had grabbed her younger daughter's arm, dragged her upstairs and slapped her right across the face. Hard. Twice.

"Don't you ever dare say something like that again!" These had been her mother's words before she had locked Regina away in her room. The girl had been shell shocked, not understanding a single thing of what had happened. She hadn't said anything wrong now, had she? She hadn't meant to upset anyone! Her face had hurt like hell as she crawled onto her bed, silently crying and trembling.

"I'm sorry, mommy!" She had sobbed. Sobbed for hours. But nobody had heard her.

The next day when her father had come home Cora had declared it an accident and he had believed it. Regina hadn't dared to tell the truth. But she had taken that photo with her father's camera. Because one day she might just tell and show him the truth.

So far it hadn't happened.

Regina wiped away a single tear from her cheek as she put the photo to the other ones she had already viewed.

And that's how it carried on. From that incident on Regina had documented each bruise and each swelling. Each beating she had received at the hands of her mother and later on her aunt Felicity, whom she was sent to when her mother had no reasonable explanation for her father why his little precious little girl was hurt again.

To this day her father had no idea. No clue about the beatings and what followed later on in her teens.

Regina continued to go through the photographs until she reached the ones labled with the age of 13. She couldn't take anymore for today. She'd continue another time...when she felt stronger.

Closing the lit of the box Regina let her hands fall into her lap.

Now, 35 years old, she still was a mess. Probably always would be.

Why did she torture herself like that over and over again?

To prevent herself from forgetting. To remind her to be good. To remember what was the consequence of making mistakes. Counting the polaroids in that box she seemed to have made enough mistakes for a lifetime.

* * *

Emma had fallen asleep on the couch with the book on her chest. It was only early in the evening but she hadn't been able to fight her tiredness any longer.

And that's how Regina found her when she finally came out of her office and down the stairs. The brunette had decided to take a walk and when she spotted the blonde the first thing that crossed her mind was sneak out as quietly as she could. But then she paused and decided differently.

She tiptoed over to the couch, not sure if Emma was awake or asleep. The latter being the case an uncertain and tired smile grazed her lips as she reached for the blanket and cautiously draped it over the blonde's body.

Emma had nothing to do with her inner demons. She just seemed to stirr the old memories. For some reason.

Regina was well aware that she needed to talk to the young womand in order to explain herself. At least to a certain extent. Otherwise it wouldn't be long until she scared her away. And that was the last thing she wanted to happen.

Giving the blonde's sleeping form one last look Regina turned and silently headed for the door. A bit of fresh air would do her good. It usually helped her to calm her nerves clear her troubled mind. The sky was already dark and the rainy weather had ceased. It was rather chilly though so the brunette tightened her scarf and crossed her arms in front of her chest. The light of the street lamps reflected on the puddles and even the moon shimmered through the clouds here and there. Everything seemesd so peaceful.

Regina felt emotionally drained and burnt out. Although actually so far nothing had happened besides her trip downward memory lane. Thinking back to the day Emma had arrived and moved in with them she again tried to remind herself that nothing – absolutely nothing – had happened that had been responsible for triggering her panic attacks.

Regina sighed and lifted her head to gaze into the dark sky.

And even if there had been any developments that would justify her inner turmoil...She didn't need to be afraid of potential consequences. She was a grown woman with her own life. Her mother had no say in her decisions anymore. Not like that at least.

But still...her emotional scars would always be there. Time hadn't healed her wounds completely. She just had learned to oppress what she was told not to feel. Not meant to feel. When she was young she hadn't understood why she wasn't allowed to feel the way she did. Later on she had learned to adjust herself. It had made her life easier. Lonely, sure, but easier and therefor somehow bearable.

Regina watched a few colorfull leafs spin on the surface of a huge puddle as the sky got illuminated by a struck of lightnig. Seemed like the storm wasn't over after all. Thunder followed soon after and heavy drops of rain began to pour from the clouds above.

"Great..." Regina breathed and an incredulous laugh escaped her throat. What a perfect ending to another miserable day.

"Regina?"

The brunette whirled around, surprised to see none other than Emma Swan standing under her huge umbrella.

"What are you doing here?" The question was out before Regina really thought about what she wanted to say.

"I didn't mean to bother you. And I'm sorry if I did! But I saw you leaving the house. Your car was still there and you forgot your umbrella and...uhm..." The blonde trailed off and smiled sheepishly, holding out the umbrella towards the older woman.

And then a smile broke through the brunette's disbelieving expression and for Emma it seemed to be the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She bit her bottom lip, still rather insecure and finally stepped forward right next to Regina so the umbrella covered them both.

"I can leave if you want. Like run back to the house, so you can keep the umbrella and -"

"Emma?"

"Yeah?"

"It's okay. Please stay. Only if you want to of course. We could...take a walk together?"

"I'd like that."


	7. Chapter 6

_**A/N:** Hello, dear people! It's been awhile and I sincerely hope you haven't kicked this story off your list! Here's another chapter, a bit shorter than some of the others. The length will allways vary, I haven't a minimum or maximum of words to be written. I hope you understand. So, on we go. Take care!_

* * *

 **Chaper 6**

They walked in silence for a couple of minutes, neither one of them quite knowing what to stay or how to start a decent conversation. The rain poured down on their umbrella, showering their surroundings and cleaning the dust and dirt off of the streets, houses and cars.

"So...are you excited to start college?" Regina finally managed to ask, her voice sounding a bit strained and her eyes were fixed on the sidewalk ahead.

"Yeah...I am. Nervous, but hey...guess they won't bite my head off." Emma answered and risked a side glance towards the older woman.

"Probably not." Regina gave her a small smile, which immediately faltered when Emma posed her next question, inelegantly and straight forward.

"That was a panic attack, right? When you fled from the living room and went into hiding last week?"

The brunette flinched, but chose to remain silent. Again. They continued walk, taking a turn which would lead them back to the house eventually.

"I take that as a yes." Emma stated quietly and genuinely hoped that her voice didn't waver.

Then there was silence until...

"What do _you_ know? It's none of your damn business anyway!" Regina finally snapped but the response lacked the usual bite. They had reached the iron gate that led to the house and the older woman left the spot next to the blonde with quick steps. It was only then that she realized she hadn't taken her keys with her.

"Maybe I know more that you give me credit for. Or anyone else for that matter." The blonde stood her ground and hadn't moved another inch.

"Oh, please..." Regina huffed and directed her gaze towards the pitch black sky. The rain drummed on the car roofs, splashed down the trees and the asphalt of the streets.

She never discussed herself. Not that anyone had ever really bothered to dig deeper. But even if they had she would have shut them out. It was a thing between her and her therapist, no-one else.

"I don't mean no harm, Regina. But maybe I can help? Something is obviously bothering you and I have a feeling that you're – for whatever the reason may be – that...you can't talk about it with Dan. Maybe it helps to talk to someone from like...outside. I'm willing to listen!"

The brunette closed her eye, tilted her head back and released a frustrated breath. When she opened her eyes again and directed them towards Emma, they looked tired and sad.

"What do _you_ know about life..." A sad smile adorned her face when she slightly shook her head.

Emma let her shoulders slump and felt a pang of sadness. Not for her own sake, no. For Regina and the fear in those beautiful brown eyes.

"Emma, would you mind opening the door, please?" The husky voice reached the blonde's ears and her head snapped up to see Regina standing there with her arms crossed in front of her chest and the wind tousling her hair. She looked so fragile and strong at the same time. Broken and dignified.

"Sure." With a few quick steps Emma was at the door and turned the key to let them both in.

There was no point in pressuring the older woman, she knew that. But she could practically feel her hurting and it made her feel so helpless. It probably wasn't her place either to offer comfort and support.

But she was also so confused. Regina's mood seemed to change with each passing minute. Hot and cold, open and closed off, brave and terrified, trying and rejecting.

The brunette had left her standing alone in the hallway, hurrying upstairs. Probably to hide away again. The young woman hung her coat on the coathook, dropped the keys into the wooden bowl on top of the dresser and made her way into the kitchen to help herself to another cup of tea.

She then grabbed another mug and filled it with herbal tea as well and before she could possibly change her mind the blonde climbed up the stairs to the master bedroom. The door was slightly ajar and only a bedside lamp illuminated the room. With the tip of her foot Emma pushed the door more open to peek inside.

Regina sat cross-legged on the bed hugging a pillow to her chest. Her face was turned away towards the window and she gave no indication that she had registered Emma's presence.

"You don't take 'No' as an answer, now do you?"

"Can I come in? I brought tea."

"I guess I wouldn't be able to stop you anyway."

"Probably." A tiny smile appeared on the blonde's lips although Regina wouldn't see it since she had yet to turn around.

The singing of wind could be heard; someone out there closed a window.

"May I?" Emma asked again and finally Regina answered with a nod.

"In all my 35 years of life I haven't met anyone as thickheaded as you."

"I take that as a compliment." Emma smiled and handed over the steaming mug, which the brunette accepted with another nod.

"Since you don't seem to have the intention to leave my bedroom and give me any peace any time soon, you might a well sit."

Emma hesitated but then plopped down on the far end of the bed, tucking her feet underneath herself and her finger closing around her cup. And again they sat in silence, listening to the wind and rain, sipping their tea.

While Emma looked out of the window, Regina finally dared to study her.

It could be so easy. Telling her. Opening up. Unburdening her soul.

Except it wasn't.

Even if she halfheartedly intended to share a piece of her mind...she wouldn't even know where to start. She couldn't even explain it rationally.

The brunette shook her head. Telling her was not an option. What good would it do? It would change nothing. It was her burden to carry, not anyone else's.

"You don't have to talk. Some...Sometimes it's just nice to sit. Together, you know? Not always _alone._ And I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable before. Again." Emma spoke and lifted the cup to her lips.

"Apology accepted, I guess. Again." Regina hid her tiny smile behind the rim of her mug, before her face turned serious once more.

"Why are you doing this, Emma? Why do you _care?_ " Those brown eyes were full of doubt as they took in the blonde's form.

"Honestly? I don't know. I just do." Emma answered and shrugged.

"We both know that you haven't exactly been a ball of sunshine since I sat foot into your house. And don't get me wrong, that's totally okay. I get it." She took a deep breath and gave the brunette a nervous smile.

"The first thing that I recognized, when we met at the airport for the first time, was that look in your eyes. I've seen this before. Maybe for different reasons, who knows. But it was was. Still is. Maybe has been for a very long time. This sadness, like there is no hope left combined with fear and desperate longing." Emma lifted her gaze and it seemed like she only remembered now where she was and whom she was talking to.

Regina on the other hand eyed her warily, a tinge of wonder covering her expression.

"How do I know if I can trust you?" The brunette's voice was barely audible over the sound of the rain drops hitting the window pane, but Emma heard her nonetheless.

"You can't." She then smiled.

"Know, I mean. But that's what trusting someone is all about, isn't it?"

Regina smiled in return and hummed, before turning her gaze back to the window.

"Well...maybe you're right..."


	8. Chapter 7

_**A/N:**_ _Hey, everyone! Thank you so much for your reviews, favs and follows! They mean so much to me,_ _honestly! I'm trying to update more frequently, but sometimes life gets in the way. Guess we all know that feeling._

 _For all of you requesting "action"...There will be. But as you may have realized by now: This is a SLOW-SLOW-SLOW-burn Story...LOL. So please, be patient. Everything at it's time._

 _Again, thank you! On we go...All mistakes are mine!_

 _Take care!_

* * *

 **Chapter 7**

After that Saturday night they had spent sitting together the mood had shifted. Just slightly, but it somehow had. Emma couldn't quite put a finger on it but all in all Regina seemed to be more...at ease. Sunday had been slow since the weather still hadn't improved and Emma had made last minute preparations for her first day. And they hadn't been obviously avoiding each other, which counted as a plus as well. Sure, Regina had spent half of the day in her home office which was due to a seemingly quite important case she had taken on the week prior. But the blonde didn't mind. She hadn't expected the brunette to be all bright and openhearted the next day. She was also quite sure that, when it came to Regina, it would always be one step for forward, two steps back.

They even had had dinner together, which also had been a quiet affair but not as uncomfortable as it had been before.

More often than not Emma felt the brunette's gaze linger on her, analyzing and probing. Insecure and suspicious. As if she expected Emma to do or say something which would hurt her in some way. But still, it seemed like she really made an effort to...let's say _not hide away._

So, Monday morning Emma found herself up early and incredibly nervous. New city, new place, new people, new things to experience.

When the blonde came downstairs Regina was already dressed and seemed to be ready to go. When Emma entered the kitchen she turned around, two cups of coffee in hand. She handed one over and leaned against the kitchen counter before she took a tentative sip.

"Thanks..." Emma smiled and tried to conceal her nervousness by taking a sip as well, only to burn her tongue in the process which led to a more or less pathetic yelp.

"Are you okay?" Regina asked and furrowed her brows in concern.

"Yeah..." Emma huffed and gave the brunette a small, lopsided smile. "Just...nervous, I guess. And burning tongue doesn't really help, either." She winced but then shrugged it off.

"Nervous because of your first day?" The brunette inquired and crossed her arms in front of her chest.

Emma nodded and took another sip of that now cooler coffee.

"I've never been one to...I don't know." Emma shrugged and put her cup back down onto the table.

"Hey, you survived living with me...for now." Regina drily remarked and elicited a grin out of Emma accompanied by a roll of green eyes. Regina smiled and shook her head before taking a seat on the chair opposite to Emma's.

"No, seriously. What are you afraid of?"

"It's...It's nothing. I'll be fine." Emma tried to sound convincing, finished her cup and got up to put it in the sink.

"Okay..." Regina replied not sounding convinced at all. After giving Emma another curious look the brunette reached for a piece of paper in her bag and a pen. She scribbled something down before handing the paper over to the blonde.

"What's this?"

"My phone number. Just in case..." Regina put the pencil back into her bag and got up as well.

"Okay, thanks...Uhm...Guess I gotta go. See you later!" Emma awkwardly backed out of the kitchen. When the brunette finally heard the front door shut she released a sigh before she pulled her MacBook out of her bag, opened it and logged into Skype.

She hadn't talked to Daniel since the day he had left for London. Usually, when he was abroad, she couldn't wait to talk to him. They used to video chat for hours from time to time. But now, something felt different. She wasn't excited and it felt more like an obligation than something she was looking forward to.

Daniel's video call came in and Regina answered after a few seconds.

"Hey Honey!", she smiled at him and raised her hand for a small wave.

"It's so good to see you!" Her fiancé exclaimed and smiled broadly.

"How's your case going? Everything alright?" The brunette asked and folded her hands under her chin.

"Yes, fortunately! If everything goes as expected it's going to be a huge a success. But it seems that it will take a bit longer than we anticipated. But nothing is final yet, I will keep you informed. But tell me how you've been, darling! Everything alright with Emma? It's her first day today, isn't it?"

"It's going fine, I guess. We're getting along quite...well." She didn't even feel bad of lying. It did go better than the first days...she didn't have to mention how rocky their start was. And that it was awkward.

"I'm glad! I knew you would overcome yourself!"

"Over...overcome myself?"

"Yes! And realize that Emma is no threat you." He continued totally unaware of the effect his words had. But then again, he couldn't know.

"You're probably right. Listen, honey, I'm sorry but need to cut this short. I've got a meeting in an hour, important client. But we'll talk soon, alright?"

"No problem. I love and miss you!" He smiled.

"And... I you! Bye!" And her smile in return immediately faltered as soon as she had ended the call and shut her laptop. The brunette got up, put her MacBook back into her bag, fetched her coat and left the house. It was then that she felt oddly...free. For the first time in probably months she felt more or less at ease and realized that she didn't miss him at all. And what surprised her even more was the fact that it didn't seem to bother her. At least not as much as it should have or as she had originally thought.

It was chilly outside but at least the rain had ceased and a soft wind was blowing. She was on her towards her car when her phone buzzed, indicating that she had a new message. The brunette fished out her phone and opened said message which she had received from an unknown number.

" _Just texting you so you have my number as well...just in case. -E."_

With a small smile on her lips Regina saved the blonde's number, got in the car and was about to put her phone back into her bag when she hesitated and on impulse decided to answer.

" _Thanks. Hope you arrived safely and everything is going well. Take care."_

That being done Regina released a sigh and dialed a number she thought she might be able to avoid by dealing with everything on her own. After two rings someone picked up.

"This is Dr. Hopper's office, how may I help you?"

"This is Regina Mills speaking, I-I need an appointment with Dr. Hopper. As soon as possible."

"Of course, Miss Mills. Just hold on a second. I'm checking his schedule."

While she waited the brunette fastened her seatbelt, checked her make up in the rare view mirror and watched how a man across the street struggled with his umbrella against the wind.

"Miss Mills?"

"Yes?"

"Dr. Hopper said if you're free this afternoon, you should come by after work."

"Alright, thank you. I'll do that. Goodbye." Regina hung up, closed her eyes and let her head fall back against the headrest of the driver's seat.

"Here we go again..." She mumbled and rested her hands on the steering wheel.

Her panic attacks were haunting her. Even if things were more relaxed with Emma (and despite her previous high when she'd left the house) she still fought her inner demons and her past. Although she hadn't touched the memory box again and had avoided to let her thoughts wander to much it still needed to be done. She needed to fine-tune her meds. And she needed to talk to someone.

* * *

Emma was happy. She had managed her first day, even more so she had already got to know a few people. All in all it hadn't been as bad as she had feared.

When she got home it already was dark outside just as well as inside the house. Regina wasn't home yet. Maybe she still was stuck in her office. It wouldn't be the first time.

So the blonde let herself with her keys, switched on the lights and, after hanging her jacket away, moved to plop down onto the couch in the living room with her laptop to check and answer her mails.

There was one from her parents, which she answered immediately to tell them about her day. Another one was from Ruby, also sending greeting from Belle, and one from Graham.

She missed them. All of them. And she just wanted to hug them and tell them just that. But still, she was glad that she had decided to come to Boston. Despite all the circumstances and difficulties.

She didn't know how long she sat there, answering her mails, before she heard the key turn in keyhole and the opening and closing of the door. She heard the zipper of Regina's boots as she took them off and the rustling of fabric as she hung her coat away.

"Emma, you're home?"

The blonde's ears perked up when the brunette's voice reached them. She sounded off...that velvety voice coming out raw and strained.

"I'm here!" She answered and turned to see Regina entering the room with a huge carton of pizza. Her eyes were red rimmed and glassy, the make up around her eyes a bit smudgy. Regina sat down on the other end of the sofa and held the carton towards Emma, while doing her best to avoid the girl's questioning gaze.

"Sorry, no cooking today. I probably would just burn it and-"

"Regina, what's wrong?"

"I'm fine. Just...stressed." Regina replied, pushing a strand of dark hair from her face and moving to get up again. It was then that she felt Emma's fingers gently curl around her wrist and she immediately began to panic, trying to yank her arm away.

"You can't-"

"Touch you, I know! I'm sorry! But please, Regina! Don't run away again, okay? I'm not going to hurt you!" Emma carefully let go of the older woman's wrist and expected her to bolt out of the living room.

But she didn't.

Regina stood there, her eyes directed towards the ceiling, fresh tears shimmering in them. Her hands were curled into fists and she was breathing heavily, close to hyperventilating.

That's what Dr. Hopper had said to her, too. To try not to run.

She had told him about her panic attacks since Emma had moved in with him. Had told him about the memory box, he had told her to get rid off some time ago. And she had told him about Emma. That she was different and that she made her feel anxious and calm at the same time. And that she had stirred all those memories she was so desperately trying to forget but simply couldn't. How lonely she felt and how, sometimes, she wanted to open up to somebody but simply didn't have the courage to do so.

And he had told her not to run away anymore.

And that what she was trying to do, desperately trying not to cry in front of the blonde.

"Regina?" Emma's voice was soft and she had moved to stand opposite of the other woman.

Brown eyes found green ones and Regina bit her bottom lip and slightly shook her head.

"Is there anything I can do?" Emma contemplated to reach for the brunette's hands, to comfort her, but reminded herself that it probably wouldn't be all too wise.

Again, the brunette shook her head and pressed her lips together.

"You wanna sit down?"

Regina hesitantly nodded and took a step back to let herself down onto the couch.

"Stay here, I'll be right back, okay?" And with that the blonde hurried towards the kitchen and after a few minutes returned with a steaming cup of tea in her hands which she set down onto the table in front of the brunette. She then took a seat next to the older woman who stared forlornly at her hands, which rested in her lap.

"Do you...want to eat a slice of that pizza?" Emma offered and reached for the carton but the Regina declined, still trying to get her breathing back to normal.

"Do you want me to tell you about my day?" Emma offered and took a slice of pizza for herself.

She just had to make Regina feel relaxed...get her mind off of the things that were stressing her. Show her, that everything was alright, that – despite that panic attack – nothing had changed or happened.

The brunette risked a glance towards the blonde and then gave her an almost invisible nod, before she reached for the fleecy blanket which rested on the backrest of the couch, pulled her knees up and covered herself with it.

And so Emma began to tell about her day. How she had gotten lost in the halls of the building; about her courses she was going to attend; about the people she had met.

Regina had closed her eyes but listened carefully, sometimes opening them to watch the blonde speak. It calmed her nerves.

How did she do it? Why did she act as if she...knew how deal with that kind of situations? Like it was the most ordinary thing in life to come home from work and start crying because you're having a panic attack.

"Why were you so afraid this morning?" Regina finally rasped out when Emma had finished another slice of pizza.

Green eyes widened at the question and the blonde pushed her hair from her face.

"I..." She cleared her throat. If she wanted to Regina to open up at some point maybe she should start doing so herself.

"I was extremely bullied back in high school." She then simply stated and chuckled softly at the brunette's surprised expression.

"Since then I like extremely nervous when it comes to being...the new girl." She admitted and picked at a loose thread of couch cushion.

"Why were you being bullied?" Regina had sat up straight, the blanket still wrapped around her shoulders and her legs folded underneath herself, a tinge of concern written across her features.

"Because...Uff...Uhm...Because...Because I'm gay."


	9. Chapter 8

_**A/N:** Hello everyone - it's been quite some time since my last update in this story. I apologize. But I just didn't know how to write it down what I had imagined happening with our two ladies. I hope that you're still with me in this. Have fun, all mistakes are mine._

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

 _"Because...Uff...Uhm...Because...Because I'm gay."_

Regina stared at her blankly. She felt how her heart drummed against her chest. Blood rushed through her ears and for one second she thought that she might have misheard the words that had left Emma's mouth.

"You're...you're gay?"

The blonde visibly shrank and an insecure gleam darted across her features.

"Y-yes." Emma finally managed to say as she tried to regain her wavering confidence.

"Is that a problem?" She raised her chin a bit and prepared herself for the worst kind of answers.

But Regina still just stared at her. There was something in her eyes...something like...fear? Insecurity? Emma couldn't make it out.

"I'm sorry." Regina finally stated lamely. Her eyes looked so sad and empty that Emma felt a shiver running down her spine.

"What? What are you sorry for?" The younger woman seemed to be visibly confused.

"I can't...I can't do this." Regina got up, the blanket pooled at her feet and the couch cushion tumbled across the table where it knocked over the cup of tea. Within seconds the brunette had fled the room and run upstairs. Again.

Emma just watched the spot where Regina had sat just seconds ago and couldn't quite believe what had just happened. It had never occurred to her that Regina was a homophobe. It was the only logical explanation, wasn't it? For what other reason should the brunette behave like this? Maybe she had known all along and that's why she had been so closed off all the time. Maybe she had tried for Daniel's sake because he had asked her to. But why the panic attacks? Why this strange behavior? And how was Daniel supposed to know anyway?

Had her parents told him? It wasn't their business to tell anyone, though... And Emma trusted them enough to believe that they wouldn't go behind her back.

Her mind was racing. Her heart as well. She wasn't able to make out a single thought. Everything was a mess. And she was afraid. What if Regina would kick her out after all? Now, that she knew? Perhaps the brunette had just waited for the right moment. Emma buried her face in her hands and released a shaky sigh. She rubbed her eyes and combed through her blonde locks with her fingers.

If Regina kicked her out – and right now it didn't seem to be too unlikely – where was she supposed to go? She hadn't made any friends in Boston so far. She didn't have that much money to afford more than one or two nights in a hotel. And telling her parents and asking them for advice was out of the question anyway. Mary-Margaret would get hysterical and probably start crying. And that wouldn't solve anything. No...she wouldn't tell them. Nor ask them for advice.

Maybe she should call Daniel? One look at the clock told her though that he would be fast asleep around this time.

Another sigh escaped her lips and her eyes wandered towards the ceiling where she thought Regina to hide away in her bedroom.

* * *

Regina stood at the bedroom window with her hands resting on the window sill. Her dark eyes looked sad and tired. Her breathing had returned to normal again but only as long as she concentrated and tried not to think of that blonde girl sitting in her living room.

It was just her luck.

Her past would always be haunting her. This time in form of a beautiful girl...young woman more likely. The brunette closed her eyes. Breathed in. And out. In and out and in and out. The cool air made her shiver but somehow kept her sane for this very moment.

Her thoughts kept returning to the scene just mere minutes ago. Emma sitting there. Opening up. Answering her questions.

She shouldn't have asked in the first place. It was none of her business anyway. But it had been nice. She had felt almost comfortable sitting there. Listening to Emma's words.

But that's what you get when you dig deeper. Ask questions. You always run the risk of getting answers you can't handle.

Emma probably felt terrible. Opening up and then being left alone after being so brave.

Regina had never been bullied by anyone. Because until this day she had hidden away. Had never dared to be as courageous as Emma had obviously been.

How should she face the other woman now?

She didn't know.

Right now she didn't know anything at all.

* * *

Emma hadn't even made it to her bedroom that night. She had finally fallen asleep after what had seemed like hours passing by. The house had been quiet since. No sign of Regina being there at all. Although Emma knew she was. Of course, she was.

When the blonde opened her eyes it was way past midnight.

3:40 am.

The room was dark, her vision was still blurry from finally giving in to crying until there seemed to be no tears left.

Her eyes grew heavy again and she didn't awake again until there was noise coming from the kitchen.

* * *

The brunette had drifted in and out of sleep the entire night and accordingly felt drained and exhausted.

She decided that she couldn't face the girl just yet. What was she supposed to say anyway?

 _Sorry for running away again. I'm happy you're gay! Let's talk about our deepest feelings, share our darkest secrets and comfort each other in moments of fear and pain._

Regina snorted and shook her head.

This was a whole new situation for her. The 'problem' had always been the same since back in the days. But never had it occurred to her that there might come a day when she fully had to face what she had been trying to hide from the world to know. Emma made her confront herself with all that has been going on in the back of her mind. And she definitely didn't want that. Or did she?

It was a part of her life she had never been allowed to explore. She had never been given the chance to try herself out or to figure out and understand what she was feeling. Regina had never entirely believed in what she was feeling being wrong. Although she had never dared to argue with her mother either.

And Emma? Obviously, that girl had always simply been herself. At all cost. At least that is what it looked like to the brunette. Daniel's friends, David and Mary-Margaret supported their daughter. Loved her. Cared for her. Not for her or their reputation. Not about what others had to say about it. Was it like that?

She could ask the blonde...but then again she didn't think she would have the courage to do so. Emma would certainly start to question her and that strange behavior. That curiosity combined with her rejection and resentment.

She probably would like to talk about it, she guessed. But...could she handle the aftermath of opening her so called Pandora's box?

The brunette looked out of the window, taking a sip from her meanwhile lukewarm coffee.

She was a mess. She certainly felt like one at least.

When was the last time she had talked to Daniel? Regina didn't even remember...and frankly said somehow she didn't even care. She didn't even feel bad about it.

What confused her instead was that emerging and rapidly growing feeling of a guilty conscience towards Emma.

The girl didn't deserve to be treated like that, that was for sure...

But when Regina heard Emma waking up in the living room the brunette poured the rest of her coffee down the drain, grabbed her coat, bag, and keys and headed to her car to leave for work.

She would talk to Emma. She just didn't know when.

But she would. She had to. That was for sure.


	10. Chapter 9

_**A/N:** Hello everyone and a late 'Happy New Year'! Here's a new chapter with hopefully not too many mistakes. They are all mine, of course. I hope you like it._

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

When Daniel finally returned from his trip to Europe Regina seemed to be determined that she just had to convince herself more. Convince herself how much she loved him. That he could give her anything she had ever longed for. That this attraction to other women was just something she had to be more in control of. It had been possible all these years, right? This new situation was just another obstacle to grow with.

Regina loved Daniel.

She had to. He was a good man. He loved her sincerely, at least that is what she believed.

On the other hand; how is one supposed to know what real love feels like when there is nothing you can compare it to? And does love always come hand in hand with attraction? The romantic kind, of course?

All this musing led her to question herself if she had actually ever been attracted to him at all?

Well, he was nice. Good looking. Surely, handsome, she guessed. Polite and sophisticated. He had treated her well from the very beginning.

They have had sex, of course. Regularly. Because that's what people do. In normally functioning relationships.

It hadn't satisfied her. And it somehow had lacked the meaning. It had not made her heart race or her body tingle in excitement.

Maybe he had made love to her.

But it had always left her with this unsettling feeling of emptiness and a kind of melancholic tristesse. A certain feeling of sadness and loneliness which cannot described any differently than with something being taken away from her. Every single time.

Regina watched the flames of the fireplace crackle and dance, the warm light reflecting in her dark brown eyes. Daniel had fallen asleep next to her on the couch and Emma sat quietly in the armchair reading in a book.

Daniel had been back for several weeks now and the brunette did her best to keep this charade going on. Obviously, she could not avoid Emma like she used to when they had been on their own in the house. So they talked. More or less. They had breakfast together, sometimes. And dinner, of course.

Emma was always kind, polite and helpful. Attentive and considerate, even. She seemed so mature and patient, so at ease. And somehow Regina unwillingly began to appreciate the girl being around in a for her weird and completely new way. Of course, her presence still frightened her to death. Made her question herself more from day to day. And in order to fight this slightly growing affection, if it could even be described as that, she more or less forced herself onto her fiancé. Searching for his closeness, trying to have him around whenever Emma was home.

And still, Regina was convinced that his growing fondness of Emma just was a natural process caused by her fear. It had not anything to do with Emma herself but with her representing all the women she was not supposed to feel any form of attraction towards.

It was not her courageous and gentle personality, that sometimes made her heart beat a tad faster.

It was not her angel like face, that made her hold her breath from time to time.

It was not her strength and her wild beauty that led her to catch herself thinking of this young girl...woman, more times that she could ever admit.

It was only her fear. Her mind playing tricks on her. Playing tricks on her heart.

Her gaze wandered from the fire to Emma's legs, which were folded underneath her. Curled up in the armchair one of the blonde's hand held on to the book while the other one supported her chin. The blonde tresses were slightly mussed, some loose strands tickling the girl's nose.

She could lean forward and reach out and...

Regina felt her treacherous heart hammer inside her chest.

Her slim fingers cramped around her wineglass, so intense that her knuckles turned white.

* * *

Emma knew that something had shifted between them. She could not exactly put her finger on what it was, but something was different. Again.

And had been a relief when Daniel finally had come back from his trip. It gave her a sense of security. Regina could not kick her out. Not she had honestly believed that the older woman would have it in her to cast her adrift. But still...

The more Emma's thoughts had circled around the brunette for the past few weeks, the more she came to the conclusion that she was kind of intrigued by the older woman. For no particular reason at all. Because Regina was not what you could call friendly and open-hearted. No, not at all.

She was drop-dead beautiful, no point in denying that.

And so fragile.

But there was this sense of mystery that surrounding this distant and terrified woman which was more than alluring and attracted her like a bee around the honeypot.

She wanted to get to know her. Dig deeper. Listen to all of her dark secrets. Learn about her. Get a feeling how to handle this woman.

And this alone was against all common sense.

This was her 'uncle's' soon to be wife. A woman 15 years a senior. A grown, independent woman.

Maybe it was the challenge the older woman represented.

Maybe Emma was so intrigued because Regina did everything to keep her away from coming too close. Maybe that was what pulled her even closer. Which had led her to unconsciously change her demeanor and had awakened the urge to be present, to come forward and to quietly provoke.

The young woman felt the dark eyes resting on her and it made her hair stand on end. But she would not react just yet.

The warmth of the fire had given her rosy cheeks.

Daniel was snoring evenly and the TV was barely audible.

Within seconds Emma had lost the last bit of concentration and now merely pretended to read her books, while all she actually did was read the same line over and over again, not having the slightest clue what it was saying.

And when she finally was not able to withstand any longer the blonde lifted her gaze and had to hold her breath.

When their eyes met, Emma expected the older woman to escape the situation in terror by tearing her gaze away and pretending to look anywhere else instead.

But this time was different.

Regina's eyes were dark, her look intense. Like she had forgotten that she was supposed to fear situations like this.

It was as if they were looking at each other for the first time. Like that, for the first time in months, the real Regina had made it through the haze of panic, fear, and pain.

And this time it seemed to be the other way around because now it was Emma who felt like her heart was jumping out of her chest.

Although not entirely out of panic but something way more dangerous for both of them...


	11. Chapter 10

_**A/N:** Hello, everyone! Here's a new chapter and I hope you like it. All mistakes are mine. Have a nice day, night, evening. Wherever you are. All the best!_

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

Regina held her gaze. Her heart was hammering against the inside of her ribcage and she was barely able to control her breathing. It might have been the intoxicating effect of too much wine, which led to that unusual boldness.

She wondered what Emma's skin might feel like when she would brush her cheek with her fingers.

She wondered what the girl's lips would taste like if she was courageous enough to capture them with her own.

But she wasn't. Would never be. Besides, what the hell was she thinking here about anyway? But right now for this very moment, it didn't seem to be of great importance who Emma was or which role she was playing herself. Because there was this forming connection between to two of them which felt so intense that it couldn't be compared to anything else Regina had ever felt before.

The brunette parted her lips as if she was about to say something but her mouth wouldn't form any coherent sentence which left her silent and out of breath. She felt hot and cold; the air seemed to get thinner and the room had gotten too small for the both of them.

But it was Emma who silently got up, a shy smile tugging at the right corner of her mouth. With a few steps, the blonde had vanished into the dark kitchen to make another round of tea for herself judged from the noises reaching the older woman's ears.

Just like that, she had been abandoned by the blonde girl. And it had never been her to be left behind. Usually, it was Regina's part to escape and leave Emma speechless. But this time?

Before contemplating for much longer whether to follow the younger woman out of the room (for reasons she still couldn't quite handle) or not she was about to quietly get up when her eyes fell onto her snoring husband beside her. And all she could think of was that he hopefully wouldn't wake up anytime soon.

When Regina had covered him with a blanket she finally made her way to the kitchen, her heart racing and her thoughts in being hazy. She left the door ajar, in case Daniel would wake up so she could hear him. Her eyes found Emma's again who stood with her back against the kitchen counter while she was waiting for the water to boil.

She was beautiful.

Dangerous.

And so alluring.

"Do you know that feeling?" Regina's raspy voice had been reduced to a whisper.

"When everything starts feeling so complex? When did that happen? When we're young everything is black and white, isn't it? It's so easy even though it doesn't feel like it. And then? Black and white start to dissolve in all these shades of gray and it gets too much. It's not only love and hate anymore. Or fear and courage. Peace and war. Pain and happiness. There…" Her voice broke.

"There are so many "in betweens". Too much to feel. Too much to handle. You begin to question things. You are not longer jealous because you can't have something you long for. No, maybe you realize you're not good enough. And you begin to hate yourself for being who you are. And you realize that not one love is comparable to another. Each loss of love leaves a scar. A void. And we're fools to believe that love and time make us forget what happened. When our hearts are broken, we change. We're never going to be the same again. Throughout life, we become damaged goods. Some more than others."

Regina's eyes were fixed on Emma and there were so many emotions in them it made it hard for her to breathe. Whatever Regina was talking about. It came from deep within. And her words were laced with pain.

"There are so many 'What ifs' and 'Whens', it makes everything so hard. Hard to decide on anything, you know? What is right? What is wrong? Who for fuck's sake does even have a say in what's right and wrong? Everything is so complex…intertwined and confusing. Like a cobweb. And it's so frustrating, you know? I had everything under control. Finally. At least nearly…nearly everything under control…" Slowly she crossed the room and came to stop in front of Emma. She could smell her. A faint scent of cinnamon and vanilla.

"And then you came." She felt tears rise in her eyes but she willed them to dry up, before she dared to reach out her shaking hand, gently putting a strand of golden hair behind Emma's left ear. She then pulled away as if she had burned herself but was fascinated by the stinging pain it left behind.

"What is it about you?" The brunette came closer and breathed in that intoxicating sweet smell.

"I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for this huge amount of wine, you know?" Regina whispered and her lips almost brushed the shell of Emma's ear.

"You have no idea what you have done…" She trailed off. Her hands were propped up left and right to the blonde's side on the kitchen counter, her forehead finally resting on Emma's cheek.

* * *

Emma didn't know when she had stopped breathing. Everything felt too far for her to reach. Her mouth felt like sandpaper and she swallowed hard. What was this all about?

This wasn't the woman she got to know over the past few weeks and months. Not at all. But at the same time, it was. It was her in all her fragile glory, intimate in a way she had never deemed as possible. This had been probably the longest monolog Regina had ever held in her presence, not to speak of the closeness they experienced on a whole new level. Both of them.

Of course, Emma had cuddled before. Or held somebody in her arms. But this time she feared that if she made one wrong move, Regina would break right in front of her. So she put her arms around her in the most gentle way that seemed to be without equal and held her close to her own body.

She then took a deep breath and pulled her even closer without even knowing why.

It felt like the right thing to do.

Because right now there was nothing left to say.

And it felt so damn good. Whatever it was that made her feel this way. Now whether it was wrong or right. Whoever had to decide that.

Her hands carefully wandered up and down Regina's back, feeling her spine with her fingertips before she traveled up and hesitantly dared to softly touch the older woman's silky raven hair. Feeling Regina breath in and out, her upper body barely moving, made her heart stop beating. It felt like too much, but not enough at the same time. This was something she had never felt before. A sensation running through her body she had never even dreamed of.

But it finished her off when she felt Regina's arms move from their position on the counter to close around her own torso, achingly slow. As if she was testing how it felt to hold somebody. And to be held equally.

There was a soft sigh. Not distinguishable whose lips it had escaped.


	12. Chapter 11

**_A/N:_** _Hey! So, here's the next chapter for all of you who are still with me. Hope you like it! Mistakes are mine!_

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

Whatever Emma did – her mind always wandered back to that embrace. Back to that moment when it had felt as if her heart was about to stop beating altogether. She thought of the older woman's dark, silky hair whenever she crossed paths with a brunette on her way to college. She thought back to the tightening of Regina's arms around her whenever a cool breeze blew through her coat and tousled her hair. And she closed her eyes every single time her nose caught a whiff of her fragrance – a composition of cinnamon, oranges, apples and infatuating spices.

Emma had stopped wondering about the nature of her feelings and growing attraction towards Regina when it had become abundantly clear to her where their origin was rooted. And it terrified her to no ends because it wouldn't it have been wonderful to live in denial just a bit longer?

It had hit her one evening. Maybe three or four days after their moment in the kitchen when Regina and Daniel had been about to leave for a date night in some fancy restaurant in the city. He had kissed her on the left corner of her mouth before taking her hand and wishing Emma a good night. It had been an innocent gesture, maybe not even of special meaning. Something of a routine. A simple gesture. But the blonde had felt such an immense pang of jealousy that she wasn't even sure what had surprised her more. Her own reaction or Regina's intense gaze over Daniel's shoulder directly meeting her eyes before she turned away. The whole night Emma had had a hard time not thinking about the woman who belonged to the man who was basically part of her family.

One week later he had left the States again to go back to Europe. So today was practically the first time in weeks for them to spend the evening together. And hopefully, they would talk. Because Emma was about to burst. There had been nothing but the exchange of looks and smiles. And even once or twice the innocent brushing of fingers although this might have been a coincidence altogether. Or wishful thinking.

She needed answers. Although she wasn't even sure of the questions to ask.

But she would confront the hauntingly beautiful brunette. Tonight.

* * *

Regina sat in her office with her hands folded underneath her chin. There was a tiny smile resting on her lips as she stared at nothing in particular. In front of her lay numerous stacks of legal papers and pleadings, open books and scribbled drafts.

Earlier that day she had taken Daniel, who still had been unaware of her growing inner confliction, to the airport. He had kissed her goodbye, mumbling against her lips that he already missed her and that he would call as soon as he reached the hotel.

He hadn't called yet, of course. He was somewhere up in the air for another three hours or so.

Her smile began to fade when she realized that she had another meeting with Dr. Hopper in the afternoon. Her courage to talk has been fading again and the desire to face and confront herself had been reduced to a minimum.

She had taken her meds. She had it under control. The fear and the anxiety. The panic attacks. And against all odds Emma made her feel calm. Although the blonde had been the trigger in the first place for all these emotions to rise up to the surface again.

She could not explain it. Oh, how much she longed for an explanation. For answers. And understanding.

Her own mother didn't even know that Emma was staying with them. That had come to her mind when she had seen one missed call on her phone. Regina hadn't called back, though. She rarely did. The desire to avoid as much contact with her mother as possible was still growing with each passing day.

Daniel had always known that Cora was a piece of work, so he never pressed the brunette to call or visit. He didn't know their story, though. Why their relationship was as bad and as painful as it was. Regina had merely told him, that her mother had never been able to accept her and love her for who she was. She just had never been good enough.

And he had never asked any further questions. Sometimes, these days, he probably wondered if he should have…

Regina shook her head and massaged her temples with two fingers. There was so much to do and she couldn't focus even if her life depended on it.

She would be on her own with Emma tonight. There was no Daniel anymore who would unknowingly shield her from a well-needed conversation.

Naturally, she had noticed the immense tension radiating back and forth between Emma and herself. She had felt the blonde's eyes lingering on her for too long. And Regina had caught herself watching the other woman more than once for too long.

With surprise, she had felt her jaw clench whenever someone had been looking Emma's way or throwing her a smile whenever they were out and about. It was no secret that the young woman was drop dead beautiful.

"Enough of this…" Regina whispered under her breath when she finally put her glasses back on to at least get a bit of work done.

* * *

It was already dark outside when the brunette finally left her office and hurried towards the parking lot. She was going to be late for her appointment with Dr. Hopper.

Absorbed in rummaging through her bag in search of her car keys she stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted someone leaning against her car, their hands buried deep in the pockets of their jeans.

"Regina," Emma said softly and smiled as she pushed herself from the car and took a step towards the brunette.

"Oh, my…Jesus, Emma you scared me. What are you even doing here?" Regina asked puzzled while her heart seemingly doubled its speed. She closed the remaining distance between them, the car keys finally dangling between her fingers.

Emma nervously laughed, her green eyes sparkling in the streetlights illuminating the parking lot.

"I…Uhm, actually I don't know. I…" She stopped, pulled herself together and flashed one of her brilliant smiles that which always made Regina catch her breath.

"I wanted to ask you out. I guess. For dinner."

When she saw Regina's eyebrows shoot up in surprise…or maybe delight…or was it fear? She quickly added:

"Not a 'date-date', no worries." There was that nervous laugh again.

"More like a…'I'm in a desperate need to talk to you'-date. Or, you know what. Let's not call it date at all. Let's just have dinner together. And maybe talk. If you feel like talking. If not, just let me ramble on. I reckon I'm obviously good at that." Emma rolled her eyes at herself and shifted from one foot to another.

"You're adorable," Regina whispered and gave her a tiny laugh.

"I…" She was about to decline since she needed to get to that appointment. And because she knew that no good would come out of this.

"I'd like that." She said instead, listening to her heart this time and resisting her common sense.

"You do?!" Emma had suspected Regina to say no. But somehow she had wanted to try her luck anyway.

"Yes, Emma. Yes, I do. Have dinner with you. And maybe talk. If I feel like talking." The older woman quoted.

It felt right. Of all the things she had ever questioned in her life, this felt like the most right decision she had made in a long time.

And still so wrong, nonetheless.

* * *

They sat silently in the car as Regina maneuvered them through the traffic, quietly swearing at "all these untalented idiots blocking their way".

All the lights, buildings, cars and people were distorted into a colorful blur as they rushed through the streets. There was honking and yelling, laughter and singing and all of this gave Emma a tingling feeling in her stomach. And somehow she was happy, but also unsure and nervous. She probably shouldn't have come. She shouldn't bring Regina in situations like this. Hell, she knew that. And she felt bad when she thought about the feelings she had. She didn't want to intrude. But she also couldn't stay away. Emma was drawn to that woman like she had never been to anyone before. It was almost scary.

When Regina finally pulled over to park the car they still hadn't said a word. But for some reason, their shared silence wasn't uncomfortable. It was like both of them were dwelling in the presence of the other, not daring to ruin that fragile bond that had somehow formed between them. Both of them willing to face the unknown, being aware that there was no running away anymore. At least not at the moment.

The restaurant Emma had picked was a small Italian place called 'La Grotta', where the walls looked like they were carved into stone and the furniture was made of dark wood and everything looked very cozy and warm due to the light mainly coming from all the candles all over the walls.

But above all the reason she picked this place was the hope that she hasn't been here before. With him. With Daniel.

Emma needed something that only they would share. Nothing that Regina already had memories of.

"Wow - never heard of this place before." Regina smiled while she grabbed her bag from the back seat and locked the car.

There it was. Almost too cliché. But right now Emma didn't care.

"Yeah! A friend recommended it. Said they have the most delicious pasta." Emma answered, combing through her hair. That wasn't true, though. She had spent almost two hours of research last night to find the best insider tips in town.

Regina rounded the car and let her keys vanish inside of her coat.

"Shall we then?"

* * *

They ate, drank wine and talked. About everything except themselves. They shared smiles and exchanged looks, but both them dreaded to start the conversation they so desperately needed to have.

It was Emma who finally took all her courage in both hands. For one moment she even considered taking the brunette's hand into hers, but found reason in the thought that it might be too much and would probably scare her away.

"Regina?" The blonde didn't even dare to look up at first and fixated her eyes on the dark red liquid swirling around in her glass.

"Yes?" The brunette knew what was coming. You could see it in her eyes. The fear, the anxiety, the excitement but first and foremost a tenderness of an incomparable fragility. She was so afraid of doing wrong. And of getting hurt.

"What's this? What is going on between us?"

Regina sucked in a sharp breath. She knew it was coming. But still felt so unprepared. She had no answers, had she?

"Emma, I d…"

"Don't say you don't know what I mean, please. Please, Regina. I know that you've felt it. I know that you've noticed it. Don't lie to me. I-I know you're scared. Hell, I'm scared to no ends. But I can't pretend any longer that there is nothing going on! Please!"

The desperation was evident in her voice as well as in her eyes.

"I…canot stop thinking about you." The blonde quietly admitted.

"Ever since I've held you in my arms you're there, you know? When-whenever I close my eyes… My god, I can't believe I'm telling you this. But I can't go on like this. Your looks, the smiles…you're taking my breath away every fucking time I lay my eyes on you."

Emma's voice was agitated and she bit her lip.

Regina's eyes glazed over with tears and her hands were trembling as she tried to flatten them out on the table.

"Emma, I…" Her voice broke and she didn't know what to say at all. Of course, something was going on. But it was one thing to dream about possibilities and another thing to face them as the truth.

"Emma, I…I like you."

"Yeah?! I like you, too. More than I should!"

Regina flinched at the acrimony of the blonde's words. Nevertheless, she reached over and took Emma's hand in hers, giving it a soft squeeze. Emma closed her eyes in response and pressed her lips together.

"I mean, I don't even really know you, you know?" The younger woman continued in a trembling manner.

"I know you have this dark secret that you never tell anyone about and try to cope with all alone. Because you think it's so brave. And you don't want to burden anyone with the part of yourself that is not so easy to handle. And because nobody would understand, right? But you're wrong, Regina! You're wrong! There are things we can't and first and foremost shouldn't face alone!"

That hit home.

"And…and maybe you should come to realize that not everybody wants to hurt you."

Regina quietly withdrew her hand from Emma's to cover her face.

Then there was silence. Regina didn't answer. She didn't argue or fight back in self-defense. She just sat there trying to hold back her tears.

The blonde watched in silence as the older woman composed herself. Her cheeks were reddened and her chest was heaving.

Regina wondered if she had ever cried in public. She was fairly certain that she hadn't.

* * *

When they were back in the car, neither of them knew what to say. They drove in silence and when they finally were back home Regina turned the engine off but made no further move to get out.

She reached over and took Emma's hand in hers. Again.

She wanted to tell her. Everything.

About her childhood. Her mother. The beatings. The therapy…which had been supposed to make her normal. But had robbed her of herself instead.

She wanted to talk. But couldn't. Not yet.

Regina felt how Emma had begun to stroke the back of her hand with her thumb.

"I like you, Emma. I really do. And admitting that alone is probably the most fearless thing I've done in a long while."

That sent goose-bumps all over the younger woman's body.

"I've seen you looking at me, Regina. And I've never been looked at like this before. I wouldn't believe a single word if you would try to tell me otherwise."

"Now you're being quite sassy." Regina tried to smile but just looked tired. Tired and sad.

"Whatever it is that's haunting you, Regina. You don't have to fight this alone."

"You don't know what you're talking about, Emma. You're so young…"

"But maybe I do." Emma quietly responded, still holding onto Regina's hand. She had a strange feeling when it came to that. Not quite an idea, but a dark notion.

The brunette shot her a long look before returning her gaze to the front and into the dark.

For a moment her thoughts traveled to Daniel, who must have arrived at his hotel hours ago. She should have been honest with him. She should have talked to him long ago. But how? If, for most of her life, she hadn't been able to think about all this without freaking out.

She turned herself towards the blonde, gave her hand a small squeeze and then lifted it up to trace Emma's cheek with her fingertips.

"I will talk to you, Emma. I promise. Just give me more time. And…try to be patient with me. That's all I ask of you."


	13. Chapter 12

_**A/N:** Hello, dear readers! Here's the next chapter. I'm sorry, but it is a bit shorter than the last one. I thought it was better to spilt, though. Thank you for all your reviews, favs and follows! They mean so much to me! So, on we go! All mistakes, are mine. _

_Last but not least, there's trigger warning for mentions of suicide and violence._

 _All the best for you!_

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

"The sessions would take place every week day. With shock therapy treatments lasting for approximately an hour and aversion therapy lasting for three hours. Per day, every day. Aversion therapy, shock therapy, harassment and occasional physical abuse. To name a few. I prefer to not go into further detail, for now, doctor." Regina's face was a mixture of disgust, horror, and fear. She hadn't talked about this in a long while.

Not since she had tried for the first time to overcome the trauma that was left from years of reparative therapy, or conversion therapy, that her mother had forced her through.

Dr. Hopper remained silent, taking notes but leaving it to Regina if she wanted to continue or leave it for now.

"I remember my mother talking to this man. I was 14 years old by the time she had given up trying to repair me, her own daughter, herself. It couldn't be possible after all that her own flesh and blood was possibly affected by a mental disorder which led her to believe that she maybe was gay." The brunette was scraping the cuticle of her left thumb until she was drawing blood.

"Where did she send you? Your mother?"

"To our local church. The sessions took place in the basement. And weekend retreats, of course. I was 17 when I first contemplated suicide." Another pause.

"But you know what? I didn't even have the possibility to think of a way out. Ending this life. Because she was all over me. All the damn time…"

A short and bitter laugh filled the room before the woman went on.

"She made quote the bible. And used to hit me every single time she thought I was a disappointment and a disgrace to the family," the brunette continued.

"Have I told you about my memory box, Doctor?"

"No. No, you haven't."

"I have a box, obviously. There are pictures inside. Pictures I took of myself whenever I got abused by my mother. And by the counselor. I had this Polaroid camera, given to me by my father for my sixth birthday. When my mother found out about it, she told Father Thomas; that was his name; then took it from me and threw it away. Thinking back, they took everything from me and the other kids. They deconstruct you as a person to rebuild you in their image. They removed us from everything that made us a unique person, and instead made us a walking, talking robot for Jesus. They re-taught us everything we knew. How to eat, talk, walk, dress, believe, even breathe. We were no longer people at the end of the program. I was no longer myself. My mother hadn't been able to break me. But finally, they had managed to succeed. I had lost myself along the way."

The brunette closed her eyes for a moment. After her night out with Emma, she hadn't been able to sleep. She had felt the desire. That burning hot desire to touch herself when she was in bed thinking about the blonde. She had told herself that it was wrong. An abomination. Pure evil. A sin. Against God's will. Against the bible. She had looked through all of the photos in that damn box. The entire night.

But somehow it had lost its effect. With each passing day that Emma was by her side, it felt less wrong. Less sinful. Less evil.

Emma...

"What are you thinking about?" Doctor Hopper interrupted her train of thoughts and she felt caught.

"Emma. I was thinking about Emma."

"I see…" He gave an assuring smile and waited for her to go on.

"What is this, Doctor Hopper? What is it about that girl that makes me question everything I've learned to be?" She stood up and began to pace the room.

"I've had this feeling from the very beginning. I didn't even know her before but there was this feeling. I knew that she was going to be dangerous. It was much later that she told me about her being gay."

"How did you feel when Emma opened up to you?"

"Terrified! Shocked! And all and foremost like…like I had already lost. I've been intrigued by her since I've first laid my eyes upon that damn angel-like face of hers. And the more I tried to stay away, the more I've been drawn to her. I have never met anyone like her. I've always been safe. Never in my entire fucking life have I felt like that. Emma makes me question everything about me all over again."

She combed through her hair and looked at him agitatedly.

"I feel this emptiness inside me every time I look into the mirror. The impulse I feel is to just punch that mirror, because I can see my fucking mother in the background, just staring at me and doing nothing as I run through this my entire fucking life! And I want to scream, like 'What the fuck is your problem?' 'Where were you when I needed a mother!? Why did you leave me here? All alone? When all you were supposed to do was love me for who I am'…"

She crumbled to the couch, burying her face in her hands.

"I just want to be happy…" Regina whispered desperately, not knowing what else to say.

* * *

When Regina came home that night she felt lighter than she had in years. Talking about what had happened to her was like a burden falling from her shoulders. But what she had realized during her talk with Dr. Hopper was true. Emma made everything seem so…easy. She seemed to push the dark clouds away, not judging about wrong or right. And what was supposed to be or not.

Of course, there was Daniel. Whom she didn't want to hurt under no circumstances. But still chose to avoid that confrontation. She wouldn't be able to handle another battle right now. She wasn't cheating on him. And she never would. She was just allowing herself a little…freedom? To find out who she could have been. Or who she actually was under all these layers of oppression, allegedly perfection and denial.

"Emma?" The brunette called into the house as she took off her coat.

"In the kitchen!" The blonde answered.

Regina stopped in the doorway, crossing her arms in front of her chest and watching Emma with a smile as the blonde loaded two plates with food.

"You made dinner," the older woman pointed out, finally closing the distance and admiring Emma's work.

"I did! Hope you won't get food poisoning, though." The blonde answered jokingly and gave Regina one of the plates.

"Didn't we have pasta just yesterday?!"

"Not that I can remember…" Emma rolled her eyes and laughed.

During dinner, Emma told Regina about her day, her classes and how everything went. What she didn't tell her, of course, that she had been thinking about the brunette the entire time. She had even started to talk to her parents about Daniel's fiancée, although they saw everything in a totally different context.

When they had finished Emma retreated into the living room leaving Regina to clean up the kitchen on which she insisted on.

The whole time Regina contemplated on how to start a conversation. During her drive home, she had come to the decision that she needed to clear things up a bit. Let Emma in. At least a little. At the same time, she longed for closeness. Maybe another hug.

She decided on a glass of wine at first, asking Emma if she wanted one as well, which she affirmed.

Taking two glasses with her Regina came into the living room, feeling quite awkward since she still didn't know how to break the ice. It's not every day that you talk to the person you feel drawn to about your fucked up past.

Emma, who flicked through the TV channels, gave the other woman a smile and waited for her to get uncomfortable, silently hoping that they could spend a quiet evening together, enjoying each other's company.

"Emma?"

"Yes?"

"Can…can I talk to you?" Her heart was hammering against her ribs. Once of this had started and all her bravery had been with her all day, she should make use of it and try to come forward.

"Of course! Always!" The blonde sat upright and her green eyes widened.

After a brief moment of hesitation and an unladylike gulp of wine, Regina reached for Emma's hand, taking it in hers and holding it tight.

"I…went to see my psychologist today."

Emma was taken aback, not sure about what she had to expect.

"That's good!" She finally managed to answer, searching Regina's eyes for any indication what was about to come.

"Oh my, I don't know who to do this…" Regina sighed and closed her eyes. After a short moment of hesitation, she felt Emma engulf her in a tender embrace, whispering reassuring words into her ear.

"Maybe you want to…I don't know…lay down? Facing away? Sometimes this makes it easier to talk…" The younger woman silently suggested.

She reached for a couch cushion and placed in on her lap, silently hoping that Regina's wouldn't take it wrong.

Without another word Regina lowered herself on the couch, her head resting on Emma's lap facing the mute TV.

Deciding to be brave Emma pushed some dark strands out of Regina's face, who had closed her eyes and waited for her to begin.

Taking a sharp breath the brunette finally whispered:

"It's probably a stupid question, to begin with, because I'm sure you have, but I'll ask nonetheless: What do you know about conversion therapy?"


End file.
